Freudian Boners

I don’t know what I’ve been eating before bed lately but apparently my subconscious has some boner jams of its own. The most recent was a serious house-party sex session with Ice Cube that had me literally waking up panting. He made me feel like coveted gold bars of Kuwaiti currency. Minus the underlying themes of secular genocide, obvs.






The second one involved Rick Ross, doggy style (he's got a belly), and the Bedford Ave L train platform. I know right, WHAT THE FUCK? He got bigger titties than me. That one left me confused, but nonetheless a little curious. (Apparently, I'm on the right track.) He also raps about not wearing socks (soulmates), totally tried to deny being a corrections officer (hah), and uses one of the most delightful phrases ever, MIA-yo. Maybe i should just stop watching youtube in bed?

"Are You Sure This Is Diet Coke?"

What is it about cute, normal girls? They've been doing it for me lately.
(not to be confused with girls who live in tracksuits that hate reading and love shots) Dudes, I've got a serious case of 'Vanilla Fever' and the only cure is a chick who shops at Banana Republic.
It's like they're so innocuous and reserved that you can't help but to notice them. Imagine taking one to your friends party and trying to coax her into playing Flipcup;
"I don't know...maybe, I've never played before. What if I'm not any good at it?"
How cute is that? she actually thinks the object of the game is to win! aaawwwww...
And how hot would it be to discover something atypical and totally weird about her? Like, she’s into competitive eating or she likes getting her face slapped during sex.
So here’s to all of you normies.
Here's to you never having had a phase (punk, raver, lesbian, straightedge, ect.)
Here's to you DVRing How I Met your Mother.
Here's to you never having done drugs and only smoking pot once.
Here's to your embarrassing, yet endearing taste in music (Pulp Fiction soundtrack, The Shins)
Here's to you being too shy to buy a vibrator.
Here’s to you being unable to name a single Misfits song.

Why don't you skip SNL this weekend? meet me at PF Chang's

Fresh Boners

I don’t know if I’m just living as a perpetual teenager but if I'm walking down the street and hear a skateboard I immediately start fixing my lip gloss and side pony. Here’s the thing about 19 yr olds on skateboards: they’re young, dumb, got zero body fat, and think yr an amazing beautiful sex goddess cuz you’ll buy them Captain Morgan and dry hump in a hot tub. Then you can wax poetic about how you totes already saw that band in like high school and you prefer their older stuff. Seriously nubile young babes, yr wish is my command.

Dance Magic! Hump Magic!

Unless I'm forgetting someone else, Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth was my very first celebrity crush. Her unmitigated disgust for whiny, blubbering infants stole my heart (sigh!!!!)
Much like Winona Ryder in Lucas, I was too young to actually fantasize about putting it in her. Instead I imagined how awesome it would be if she were my cool babysitter that would play Nintendo with me and let me feel her boobs. I vaguely remember a sleepover scenario where I'd take off her shirt and bra under the covers and go to town until my tiny wrists got sore from all that "turning the doorknob" action.
Through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered, my testicles have finally descended. Jenny, Tonight Hoggle and I invade your Goblin Kingdom, tits are so 1986.
(Hoggle = my penis)

This Boner Will Go On

When I was a teenage mallrat I liked to pretend like I wasn’t obsessed with Leo. WHAT A LIE. Even in The Beach, when he wore nothing but mandals and cargo shorts, I wanted him to slay my vag like it was a baby shark in a crystal blue lagoon threatening a faux idealistic utopia. He even came to my college in 2004 and told us all to vote for John boner-killer Kerry. Epic Prius post-orgasm sighs.

Leukoplakia

Lucas is the shit, I could go on about this movie but what I really want to focus on is Winona Ryder circa: 1986, oh man...

Long before that website with pictures of puppies kissing gerbils this girl was the original cute overload, Just look at her. Dude, what if you were back in the 10th grade and she was your girlfriend? You guys would get high, watch Natural Born Killers and make out in her living room while her parents were away at work. She would write you letters in class with Morrissey lyrics and random shit like "My hoodie smells like sawdust today, I want Funyuns and Nutty Bars for lunch" Watching this movie and knowing what I know now is so infuriating. It makes want to jump inside the TV, grab that kid by the ear and give him a stern talking to.

"What the fuck are you doing? Rina likes you! Come on! look how much of a fuck she doesn't give! Imagine her diving into a beeramyd a few years from now when you guys start drinking and going to parties. She'll be making you and your 3 only friends laugh your asses off every day. You'll BEG her to never leave you!"

I'm not sure if this counts as a fantasy file since I don't actually think about having sex with her. How can you? she's too fucking cute, you'd feel like a creep. Pretending you're 15 and content with 2nd base/scared of vaginas is way better.

note: If you absolutely must wank to her I highly suggest 'Bram Stoker's Dracula'

Boner Wranglerz

Let me preface this shot: Paul Schneider was all busy looking at Casey Affleck’s dick. WHAT? It’s like my wet dreams air-guitared this scenario into creation. The fuzzy camera shots made it even more like Wild Wild West porn. Best $12 I ever stole from netflix.  It’s gonna be a long night boys.