Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'd just love to lay you down... and then have a lot of sex with you



So I was sitting alone in my room last night, my new favorite thing to do cuz I’m 15 and angsty, when Conway Twitty came on iTunes. Holy god lord in heaven does he have a sexy voice. I usually don’t fall for the deep voice steez but something with this man singing songs about cowboy love makes me wanna slip outta my Target flats and get naked on a bearskin rug. Not only that but his songs really hover the line between creepy and erotic. That is definitely my favorite border to straddle. What part about “I’d just love to lay you down” don’t you understand ladies? Also, can we talk about that pompadour? Yikes. Shit below the equator just got real. That thing is the blow-out to my Jersey Shore. I feel like during sex he’d be one of those dudes that’s all “don’t touch my hair” and I’d swoon cuz deep down I’m pretending that he’s Dylan from 90210.


Listen to those ladies swooning.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Cuddly Boners



Yeah dude, I already know what you're gonna say;
"Phoebe Cates in Gremlins? But what about the pool scene in Fast Times? With the wetness and the topless and bladyblah...."
Yaaaaaawwwn! I could jerk off thinking about that at Morrissey's funeral (held at the Holocaust Museum) total amateur night.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because xxxmas is right around the corner, but fuck a red bikini! Give me hot cocoa body shots on a bearskin rug near a roaring fire. Get those pants off Pheeebs and leave the sweater vest and turtleneck combo on (watch the movie) you're so cozy I want you to cram festive socks in my mouth.

better yet, just keep them on

God I'd feed that after midnight soooo hard! Is it weird that I wanna chew on her frizzy bangs for a few seconds?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Accidental Boner (Amazons)

‘If Michelle and Ramon email each other all day when they should be working, and no one is around to read them. Are they still funny as shit and total geniuses?’



From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon lopez"
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:00 AM

the weddings not til april right? i dont know what im gonna wear you dickhead. i dont think im gonna brave heels cuz lordy i am a fucking monster clutz. esp with an open bar.
you know when a huge tranny tries to teeter around in heels and looks like their ankles are about to snap? thats what i look like in heels. we'll see. maybe i'll get some low ones. so im not 200 feet tall. can you wear lifts in yr shoes so i dont look like a fool with a midget date? thx.



Tue, Dec 15, 2009 at 11:20 AM, ramon wrote:
its may 21st im tryna be ready for it asap cuz i tend to put things off waay too much. dudes like tall girls (amazons) michelle. maybe cuz we feel like were getting 2 girls for the price of 1? or like when you go to hometown buffett and you get excited when you see all that food and think "im gonna have that that and that and then that!!!" even though you know you wont actually finish any of it. same with a tall girl, youre all "im gonna run my tongue up and down those long ass legs" but you only finish one cuz it takes too long and your boners killing you. also its like conquering your very own everest? a seemingly endless mountain of boobs and ass- are u up for the challenge? will you reach the summit in one piece? dude that shouldve been a boner jam! i cant think of any tall ass celebrities though.

From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:44 AM
ahahahahaha. that should be a boner jam!!
mandy moore is really tall. well tall for a famous lady. shes my size. hmm, who else is tall.
models are usually tall so like gisele or bar rafelli or any other lady whos dated leonardo dicaprio. blake lively (serena, the blonde one) from gossip girl is really tall too. shes taller than me i think.


Well Michelle, Gisele’s got a dude face and I don’t know who Bar Rafalgerojsrjer is so I choo-choo-choose you! Blake Lively to get all Sir Edmund Hillary on that ass (I made that up like 2 seconds ago but seriously it felt great finally being able to use it) and what’s the deal with calling me a dickhead from out of nowhere like I’m the brother from 16 Candles?
PS: Quick impression of every chick I know that watches Gossip Girl;
(clears throat) “Yeah, the guy that plays Chuck Bass, totally gay! And that one girl made a sex tape with her ex where she gives him a footjob and I heard the 12yr old blonde girl got invited to this year’s Bohemian Grove”




you can't tell but it sez BJ on the little dudes flag