Brown Man's Kryptonite

I’m going to assume that you’re not Mexican because Mexicans can’t afford/understand the internetz. Which is why I'm going to take a minute to explain our obsession with white girls with big asses.
It’s no secret brown dudes love big butts, just as much as we lovelovelove us some gueras. How can you not? their parents have money (at least, more than we do anyway) they think we're all romantic and good in bed simply because we speak Spanish. That's cute right? thanks TV and movies!!! They know how to use birth control and best of all, they've all been to college, which helped enrich their- excuse me, I have something in my throat...
*cough! cough! co-awesomeblowjobs-cough! co-threeways-cough!*

Their only disadvantage seems to be mild-to severe cases of Nassatall throughout 80% of their race. It's no surprise that when we find a blonde, pale-ass Salma Hayek we can't help but get all 'Jafar' on that shit! Rub it until all your wildest dreams become reality homes!
"THE DIIIIIAAAAAMOND IN THE RRRRRROOUUUGGGGH!!!" (monster voice) He's not dark-skinned cuz Disney's racist- it's all metaphors dawg!
Seriously, it's like winning the lottery on the same day you find out you can fly and create In-N-Out burgers out of thin air with your mind.


Gimmie some chon-chon!





Emily Blunt


Puff-puff give? more like puff-puff KEEP!
This is one blunt I would definitely "Bogart"
Do people still say Bogart? I wouldn't know, I stopped
smoking weed after high school- like everyone
else in the world should!
If you’re a stoner and you’re over 18 it makes as much
sense as being goth after 21 (when you can go to bars instead of coffee houses)
Just sayin’ yo.





Jessica Biel


Yeah, I know she's corny, but come on!- look at that thing!
I just wanna put my baby tooth underneath it and lay my drowsy head
on it and go mimis.
I just wanna play Hot Wheels on it and pretend I’m racing up and over
giant sand dunes on the Sahara.
I just wanna scratch my name on it with a fountain pen like in that song.
I just wanna lay my slices of French toast on it to keep them warm
while I finish cooking the rest.
In other words, I'm creepy and weird and I loves me some white ass.

Boner Rocket

Dear AT&T,

Well then. It’s been a while hasn’t it?
I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in a minute. I’ve been so busy lately, what with all the time I sit alone in my room naked now thinking about Luke Wilson in yr new commercials. YIKES.
I think I’m gonna need a bigger “Please take off all my clothes with yr teeth and read cities to me in that plaid shirt” limit. Or perhaps I can just sign a 2 year “Let me put my tongue between those furrowed brows of yrs until you cum rollover minutes” contract?
Whatever it is, man oh man, thanks for reminding me why I watched that shit show known as the Royal Tenenbaums so many times. Today is the day yr gonna kill yrself huh? Well today is the day I find yr address and send you sexy postcards til you put me in jail bro.

THANK YOU.

Love & Sexts,
mickey


mmm, txt me l8r you fucking fatty. i luv it.

I'd just love to lay you down... and then have a lot of sex with you

So I was sitting alone in my room last night, my new favorite thing to do cuz I’m 15 and angsty, when Conway Twitty came on iTunes. Holy god lord in heaven does he have a sexy voice. I usually don’t fall for the deep voice steez but something with this man singing songs about cowboy love makes me wanna slip outta my Target flats and get naked on a bearskin rug. Not only that but his songs really hover the line between creepy and erotic. That is definitely my favorite border to straddle. What part about “I’d just love to lay you down” don’t you understand ladies? Also, can we talk about that pompadour? Yikes. Shit below the equator just got real. That thing is the blow-out to my Jersey Shore. I feel like during sex he’d be one of those dudes that’s all “don’t touch my hair” and I’d swoon cuz deep down I’m pretending that he’s Dylan from 90210.


Listen to those ladies swooning.

Cuddly Boners

Yeah dude, I already know what you're gonna say;
"Phoebe Cates in Gremlins? But what about the pool scene in Fast Times? With the wetness and the topless and bladyblah...."
Yaaaaaawwwn! I could jerk off thinking about that at Morrissey's funeral (held at the Holocaust Museum) total amateur night.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because xxxmas is right around the corner, but fuck a red bikini! Give me hot cocoa body shots on a bearskin rug near a roaring fire. Get those pants off Pheeebs and leave the sweater vest and turtleneck combo on (watch the movie) you're so cozy I want you to cram festive socks in my mouth.

better yet, just keep them on

God I'd feed that after midnight soooo hard! Is it weird that I wanna chew on her frizzy bangs for a few seconds?

Accidental Boner (Amazons)

‘If Michelle and Ramon email each other all day when they should be working, and no one is around to read them. Are they still funny as shit and total geniuses?’



From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon lopez"
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:00 AM

the weddings not til april right? i dont know what im gonna wear you dickhead. i dont think im gonna brave heels cuz lordy i am a fucking monster clutz. esp with an open bar.
you know when a huge tranny tries to teeter around in heels and looks like their ankles are about to snap? thats what i look like in heels. we'll see. maybe i'll get some low ones. so im not 200 feet tall. can you wear lifts in yr shoes so i dont look like a fool with a midget date? thx.



Tue, Dec 15, 2009 at 11:20 AM, ramon wrote:
its may 21st im tryna be ready for it asap cuz i tend to put things off waay too much. dudes like tall girls (amazons) michelle. maybe cuz we feel like were getting 2 girls for the price of 1? or like when you go to hometown buffett and you get excited when you see all that food and think "im gonna have that that and that and then that!!!" even though you know you wont actually finish any of it. same with a tall girl, youre all "im gonna run my tongue up and down those long ass legs" but you only finish one cuz it takes too long and your boners killing you. also its like conquering your very own everest? a seemingly endless mountain of boobs and ass- are u up for the challenge? will you reach the summit in one piece? dude that shouldve been a boner jam! i cant think of any tall ass celebrities though.

From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:44 AM
ahahahahaha. that should be a boner jam!!
mandy moore is really tall. well tall for a famous lady. shes my size. hmm, who else is tall.
models are usually tall so like gisele or bar rafelli or any other lady whos dated leonardo dicaprio. blake lively (serena, the blonde one) from gossip girl is really tall too. shes taller than me i think.


Well Michelle, Gisele’s got a dude face and I don’t know who Bar Rafalgerojsrjer is so I choo-choo-choose you! Blake Lively to get all Sir Edmund Hillary on that ass (I made that up like 2 seconds ago but seriously it felt great finally being able to use it) and what’s the deal with calling me a dickhead from out of nowhere like I’m the brother from 16 Candles?
PS: Quick impression of every chick I know that watches Gossip Girl;
(clears throat) “Yeah, the guy that plays Chuck Bass, totally gay! And that one girl made a sex tape with her ex where she gives him a footjob and I heard the 12yr old blonde girl got invited to this year’s Bohemian Grove”



you can't tell but it sez BJ on the little dudes flag

Birthday Boners

T'was the 10th of November,
and in my minds eye.
Sexy creatures were stirring,
making my penis cry.




Oh, Christina Hendricks,
I really wish you would grab it.
At times I think you're related,
to Jessica Rabbit.




I'd bone Rashida Jones,
even if she had Scabies.
We'd be the talk of the town,
with our weird-ass race babies.




Oh look! Rachel Stevens,
how'd you get in my head?
Wanna help me with something?
Here's a hint: "...'til I'm dead"

Thus ends my post,
I'm so glad that you stayed.
Happy Birthday to me,
tonight I hope I get pizza.


(PS: I have no idea how the S Club 7 girl got here)

shut up you beautiful bitch

Are fictional characters allowed? Because I don’t think I wanna bone Danny McBride as much as I wanna be made uncomfortable by a nude Kenny fucking Powers. I think it’s the wrap around sunglasses and baseball arms that really get me. Not so much the gelled curly hair, sensitive actor, friend of Will Ferrell steeze. Also his facial hair choices transcend Kenny Powers and make me think he looks like that on the daily and not just as a joke.
I was recently the victim of a drunken sexual advancement by Kenny Powers on a Halloween dance floor and it made me realize something. If this dude really existed, I’d totally bone him. But when someone ‘pretends’ to be Kenny Powers to the point of coming off as an actual ‘misogynist’ its not so much ‘sexy’ or ‘funny’ as it is ‘RAPEY.’ Note to dudes, don’t take yr costumes that far. No one wants to be drunk in Halloween jail. Especially not dudes dressed up as homoerotic southern racists.

Hummina Hummia Hummina Polanski

This. Feels. Illegal.
This kid is 17. SEVENTEEN PEOPLE. Have you even seen the trailers for New Moon (you haven’t), but he is shirtless like 200% of the movie. I know that there are plot reasons for him to be shirtless and warm and pulsating all the time (Spoilerz, he’s a werewolf. Gah Stephenie Meyer you never stop), but my old lady heart can’t take this! I’m sweating under my Spanx here boy! When I was 17 my boyfriend already had a beer belly and a kid. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY FEEDING THIS KID? Like Twilight isn’t already making me feel prepubescent and now they gotta put these pictures on the internet?? Guh, if I didn’t already have my menses this woulda ushered it out. AWWOOOGA. Come over here and give nana a kiss. Taylor Lautner’s biceps have solidified my estatus de futuro as creepy old lady. Now excuse me while I go slather my knees in cold cream and listen to my blogs.



i wanna eat ceviche off his naked body

bone limericks

I’ve crushed on you since “Gimmie the light.”
At night I dream about you holding me tight.
Intense and unyielding, like yr bedazzled headbands,
Wrapped up in my sheets, he’s got some big hands!
Lord I would never put up a fight.

Bone Haiku

Salma Hayek


The perfect woman
No time for losers like me
God laughs from his cloud






Russian Red


Lovely girl from Spain
I'll never buy your album
Can I still hit that?






Zooey Deschanel


Sigh…guilty pleasures
Why must your bangs drive me wild?
Your husband is gay

Unrealized Blushing Boners

I had NO idea I thought this dude was even remotely good looking. Anyone on MTV’s payroll, who wants to be taken seriously as a journalist, and wears those glasses is usually on the express to the dead last slot on my boner schedule. I think about you less than I think about cargo-short outfitted college seniors pursuing a career in marketing.

But here I was, kinda drunk in the LES with some lady friends wondering why this fine ass man kept making eye contact with me (he must’ve thought I was a fan of his journalistic work on sexual health among teens). He was a BABE, I was drunk, it’s the lower east side, what of it?! Maybe I was so into him cuz he wasn’t trying to make me care about Kosovo or whatever. So he goes to leave the bar and me being the creepy sexual assault type, decide to bump into him (read: tackle) and in my best drunk girl voice mutter “ey where you going…” Best pick up line evaaarrr.
One thing leads to another and I realize that I’m basically pinning Gideon Yago to a pool table in front of about 75 people. In my defense he had a beard and was heavier than the last time I saw him using serious face whilst discussing Iraq with Condoleezza Rice. Needless to say he barely escaped with his pants. It was all downhill once my eyes focused and I realized who he was (I am leaving out countless embarrassing details, seriously I had NO IDEA it was him). Sometimes our boners deceive us, think before you act.

Embarrassing Wide-ons

Seriously. This is mega humiliating.



I have NO IDEA what started this. I should probably blame The Fast and the Furious franchise, Sparks, and my period. Making me confuse things like sexuality, cars, muscles, and Vin Diesel with respect, sexy, ok, boners, feelings, and understanding. UGH. You know when you catch yrself checking out an ugly co-worker and you realize its cuz you haven’t had sex in like FOREVER and you kinda forgot what the opposite gender looks like naked? That’s how I feel when I look at this dude (born Mark Sinclair Vincent, the fuck he change his name for?!). :boner embarrassment shudders: He also kinda looks like a cartoon shark when he smiles.


thanks vic

It’s some gender stereotype bullshit, I know, for me to wanna grip his back muscles this bad, but its all I can think about! You know what, I’m just gonna give in. Excuse me while I go troll the New York Sports Club smoothie bar for potential date rapes.



*After reading Vin's (I call him Vin now) wikipedia I kinda fell a little more in love with him. UGH what is going on? Make it stop!

Embarrassing Boners: His

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
-Mother Theresa


Ugh! We’re probably gonna regret this later, but fuck it. We’ll martyr ourselves for the sake of good times. Think of us as suicide bombers, except our vests are filled with giggles and we're on a mission to blow up a shopping mall full of frowns.






Tabitha Soren

Other than the ‘Normal girl’ steez she’s got going on that I love-your guess is as good as mine dude. I blame it on 90’s, I got Mulder telling me every Friday that aliens are gonna kidnap me and the government’s all, “meh” about it- for real?! Fuckin’ Capcom has me convinced that traveling the globe to pick fights with people is a total blast. I didn’t know which way was up, my friends. Me? horny for a Daywalker? Must’ve been all that Crystal Pepsi I never drank.

Embarrassing factor: 9






Chrissy Russo (Fox 5 news San Diego)

One morning while getting ready for work I turned my TV on because I wanted to check the weather. I flipped around looking for the news and… well, the rest is “Jerk before work” history. You can’t blame me for this one either, I’m sure they let her wear short skirts and low-cut dresses cuz she’s younger/slightly more attractive than the other newscasters- Don’t believe me? LOOK!
Susan Lennon? Ummm… naw, I’m cool, thanks. Just tell me how to avoid Myspace molesters and that'll be that.

Embarrassing factor: 6

Can I Get A 'Whoooooaaah Boner?!'

Dudes, remember being 13 and a virgin? Remember thinking how Kelly Bundy would be the perfect girl because you’re fucking stupid and horny?
“Awww dude, what if she was my girlfriend? That would be raaaaaad! She dresses hot, she knows how to fight! And I could totally trick her into doing it with me because she’s dumb as shit and she’s slutty!”
First of all, younger me, why would you need to trick her into fucking you if she’s already your girlfriend and a slut? Furthermore, do you really want to date a girl that can be fooled that easily? So your equally horny friends could come over and be all “Theeees eeees how we say ‘hayllo’ eeen my kontree” (titty grab, blowjob)
Ugh! Ramon 17 years ago, you’re such a disease!
Needless to say my taste in women has matured, somewhat. I still get major boner fuel from knowing that a girl can fight, not unlike badass Ms. Bundy here. Am I the only one that gets heated from seeing a girl being able to throw a good punch? I don’t even know how to throw a good punch.
So anyway, who remembers that song by the Young Black Teenagers about fucking Kelly Bundy? Who remembers that the Young Black Teenagers were all white?

*note: I recently tried to jerk it to her after a Married With Children marathon on TV for old times sake. Now all I could think was “Did they make all of those dresses for her or did they buy them? If so, from where?” Older and wiser???

Sartorial Boners: 87 Jeans and a Fresh Pair of Nikes On

We all have bizarre idiosyncrasies that emerge when we see someone attractive on the street/train/dance floor/toilet. I have friends who notice height first, others who notice the eyes. I usually look at shoes first. I’m not proud of this, but a girl’s gotta have standards. You can be a total knock down drag out take off my pants right now and howl in the middle of Graham Avenue babe but if I look down and yr wearing bad shoes, deal breaker dude. Steve Maddens, are you fucking kidding me? Mandals. Just give me a hysterectomy right now! Running shoes? I’m happy you exercise but paired with yr skinny jeans you kinda look like a lesbian bartender. Seriously, HOW HARD ARE A PAIR OF VANS!?! They aren’t even expensive!

*Photo courtesy of Lauren Wilkinson, the great American hero who risked her life to take this photo on the L train. His shoes devoured her moments after. RIP Wilkes. I hope yr making dick jokes in heaven.

Kiefer Bonerland: The Original

I know all the ladies these days are super wet for those 16 yr old vampires and werewolves running rampant in Washington state totally NOT boning (wtf Mormons) in Twilight. And don’t get me wrong, I’m into it too. But seriously, no immortal gives me an ultimate blood-thirsty wide-on like Kiefer Sutherland’s 80s mulleted, blonde bearded, trench coat wearing, shark tooth earring self in The Lost Boys. I don’t know if Michael was supposed to be the babe in the movie but I couldn’t even look at his lame ass. I prefer my man to run a gang of dudes in stretch pants (one of which is no stranger to phone booth time travel) who live underground together homo-erotically and go on killing sprees where they massacre everyone in what looks to be a Red Hot Chili Peppers meet and greet around a bonfire in California. WOOF. I would let this man head butt me in the vag all night long. And maybe for kicks, I would whisper ‘Yr eating maggots Kiefer” while he went down on me. He’d laugh right?

Biker Bones

Do you ever see a totally rad older dude on the street and think “Dayum, THAT is what my husband/slampiece is gonna look like when I’m an old lady, CHRIST!!!!” For me, these dudes are usually of the old biker variety. Bushy grey beards, leather vests, blurry tattoos and shit-eating grins like, ‘Yo girl I may be old but I could still totally bone the shit outta you.” Keep on keepin’ on, old man cuz yr fucking right.
Biker babes, here’s to you!
Fuck that fixed gear nonsense. Get me off this slow-ped. I wanna man with a loud, serious gas-guzzling piece of shit between his legs. With gnarly beards that always smell like weed n’ meth, and oil stained finger nails on big meaty tattooed hands, ladies amirite? They prolly eat pussy like a motorcycle engine, thigh-brating all the way. WOOF in a good way. These dudes turn me into a cartoon dog with my eyes popping out and tongue rolling on the floor... Hummina, hummina, hummina! Is titty flashing still the universal biker mating call cuz my shirt is already off.



these girls fucking rule

Bone Sliders

Burger King did it, McDonald’s did it, now I’m doing it. I’m getting in on this mini craze that corporations tell me is the new hot shit. Big is out! Here's a few tiny little guys you can easily savor and digest, one tasty morsel at a time. Here, fatso;





Giada de Laurentiis

I think this risotto needs to be sexualized for about 10 more minutes, and maybe add another 2 cups of cleavage (get it? durrrrrr)
Oh, you sexy little bobblehead you. Not that I don't appreciate you going "Mmmm......soooo good" as you slowly roll your eyes back then knead something in a tube top, but I seriously doubt you're gonna get canned, so chill. Does Food Network even cancel shows?





Cat Power (Chan Marshall)

More like Cat Plow-her! (get it? durrrrrr)
Hot with a hint of crazy? How can you resist? You might not enjoy getting bitched out by her drunk ass at a party because you asked a girl where the cups are (Whoooo is sheee? why don't you just go fuck her?! You probably already did, didn't you!?) but the guilt-soaked makeup sex later that night would totally be worth the awkward glances.
PS: Yes, I know she stopped drinking, but picturing her with a bottle in her hand, a cigarette in her mouth and sleepy eyes makes her seem hotter for some reason.





Sean Young In Bladerunner

Attention, 3 girls that read this (except Rebecca)
I will seriously marry you if you dress up as Rachael for me and let me "retire" that ass on the regular. Not only that, I also promise to feign interest in your ridiculous girl problems, check it;
"Marc Jacobs died? Ohhh sweetie, I'm so sorry, come here"
"Your feet are all fucked up? There, there. But you're always wearing those millimeter-thick flats, I don't understand" (pretty good, right?)
If you manage to get her hair just right, I’ll also pretend to give a shit about whatever it is you care about, no matter how asinine;
“Yeah, how did he manage to win Project Runway?! I’ve never met this guy, but you’re absolutely right, he is a stupid homo douche backstabber- and he definitely does deserve to die! Can you put the costume on now?"

Stairmasturbator

"Exercise can keep your heart healthy, your body slim and your psyche sound, and now comes the news that it can act as an aphrodisiac too.
Although you may not feel so sexy after a sweaty workout, don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling in the mood for love. Research now suggests that along with all of the other health benefits exercise confers, it can also give a big boost to your sex life. The reason has less to do with getting stronger than with the release of endorphins in the brain (as a result of physical exertion) that influence how we feel..."
-The Internets

Yeah, tell me about it guy. I go to the gym about 4 times a week (still chubby though) which also means that 4 days out of the week if you happen to see me coming AND you happen to have a vagina, ohhhhhh maaan....keep that shit out of sight! I'm talking hide your chain that your grandmama gave you when you hear the squeaky beach cruiser getting closer. For real, It's like I was out at sea and was immediately taken to prison as soon as I got home where I was only allowed to watch Cinemax after 10pm on TV.
Oh, by the way, shoutout to 90% of the ladies at the Mission Valley YMCA for not helping at all with the situation. Giving me erections while on the eliptical watching Law & Order: SVU is totes not embarrassing and creepy at all, good lookin' out! XXXTRA special thanks to the same 90% of you gals for feeling compelled to wear those tight-ass black spandex Capri pants every time you work out (are you guys in a gang?) Tell me, does forcing me to think about bending you over an exercise ball somehow help you burn more calories? does it improve your form? Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
It's bad enough you already look like I just fucked you with your sweaty backs and your face all flushed. Take it easy on me, no? I just wanna work on my summer bod and listen to The Smiths on my iPod (it makes me feel less bro-y)
Shit's too much, someone needs to open a dudes only gym. Kinda like Curves, except it would be called "I Can Smell Your Dick Sweat"

Daily Boners

I think it’s pretty obvious that I wanna dry-hump Jon Stewart within an inch of his life. I mean what self-respecting girl doesn’t? But can we take the time to address the fucking BABE situation in the Daily Show’s past and present correspondent pool?

First things first.

Ed Helms:

Maybe it’s because he’s been all over my brain lately with trailers for the Hangover (and me watching the Office alone in my room crying every night) but there is SOMETHING about this huge white person that makes me wanna eat a mayonnaise sandwich, wash it down with a glass of milk, and go to a 4th of July parade. Now I kinda feel guilty about all the trash I talk about white men…j/k, you guys are still awful.

Jason Jones:

I too fall victim to the 'dudes risking their lives' boner. He went to Iran when there was some SERIOUS boner-killing shit going down. He threw on a flack jacket and grew a beard and spoof-reported his way right into my thundering heart. He’s also from Canada so I don’t have to feel too patriotic about this one. If you’ve looked into this man’s crystal blue eyes and not seen a Lisa Frank-themed wedding then you are obviously dead inside.

Wyatt Cenac:

This one is pretty easy/obvious. It’s like the Daily Show and my vag are in cahoots and decided to take this ultra-hilarious babe, dress him in a suit, and put him on Hulu for me to enjoy every night before bed, shame-free. Do you ever see people on TV and convince yrself that you’re definitely gonna run into them on the street so you prepare a monologue? Do you think he would be enamored with my unprotected choke-sex talk (while wearing a wedding dress) or creeped out?