I'd just love to lay you down... and then have a lot of sex with you

So I was sitting alone in my room last night, my new favorite thing to do cuz I’m 15 and angsty, when Conway Twitty came on iTunes. Holy god lord in heaven does he have a sexy voice. I usually don’t fall for the deep voice steez but something with this man singing songs about cowboy love makes me wanna slip outta my Target flats and get naked on a bearskin rug. Not only that but his songs really hover the line between creepy and erotic. That is definitely my favorite border to straddle. What part about “I’d just love to lay you down” don’t you understand ladies? Also, can we talk about that pompadour? Yikes. Shit below the equator just got real. That thing is the blow-out to my Jersey Shore. I feel like during sex he’d be one of those dudes that’s all “don’t touch my hair” and I’d swoon cuz deep down I’m pretending that he’s Dylan from 90210.


Listen to those ladies swooning.

Cuddly Boners

Yeah dude, I already know what you're gonna say;
"Phoebe Cates in Gremlins? But what about the pool scene in Fast Times? With the wetness and the topless and bladyblah...."
Yaaaaaawwwn! I could jerk off thinking about that at Morrissey's funeral (held at the Holocaust Museum) total amateur night.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because xxxmas is right around the corner, but fuck a red bikini! Give me hot cocoa body shots on a bearskin rug near a roaring fire. Get those pants off Pheeebs and leave the sweater vest and turtleneck combo on (watch the movie) you're so cozy I want you to cram festive socks in my mouth.

better yet, just keep them on

God I'd feed that after midnight soooo hard! Is it weird that I wanna chew on her frizzy bangs for a few seconds?

Accidental Boner (Amazons)

‘If Michelle and Ramon email each other all day when they should be working, and no one is around to read them. Are they still funny as shit and total geniuses?’



From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon lopez"
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:00 AM

the weddings not til april right? i dont know what im gonna wear you dickhead. i dont think im gonna brave heels cuz lordy i am a fucking monster clutz. esp with an open bar.
you know when a huge tranny tries to teeter around in heels and looks like their ankles are about to snap? thats what i look like in heels. we'll see. maybe i'll get some low ones. so im not 200 feet tall. can you wear lifts in yr shoes so i dont look like a fool with a midget date? thx.



Tue, Dec 15, 2009 at 11:20 AM, ramon wrote:
its may 21st im tryna be ready for it asap cuz i tend to put things off waay too much. dudes like tall girls (amazons) michelle. maybe cuz we feel like were getting 2 girls for the price of 1? or like when you go to hometown buffett and you get excited when you see all that food and think "im gonna have that that and that and then that!!!" even though you know you wont actually finish any of it. same with a tall girl, youre all "im gonna run my tongue up and down those long ass legs" but you only finish one cuz it takes too long and your boners killing you. also its like conquering your very own everest? a seemingly endless mountain of boobs and ass- are u up for the challenge? will you reach the summit in one piece? dude that shouldve been a boner jam! i cant think of any tall ass celebrities though.

From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:44 AM
ahahahahaha. that should be a boner jam!!
mandy moore is really tall. well tall for a famous lady. shes my size. hmm, who else is tall.
models are usually tall so like gisele or bar rafelli or any other lady whos dated leonardo dicaprio. blake lively (serena, the blonde one) from gossip girl is really tall too. shes taller than me i think.


Well Michelle, Gisele’s got a dude face and I don’t know who Bar Rafalgerojsrjer is so I choo-choo-choose you! Blake Lively to get all Sir Edmund Hillary on that ass (I made that up like 2 seconds ago but seriously it felt great finally being able to use it) and what’s the deal with calling me a dickhead from out of nowhere like I’m the brother from 16 Candles?
PS: Quick impression of every chick I know that watches Gossip Girl;
(clears throat) “Yeah, the guy that plays Chuck Bass, totally gay! And that one girl made a sex tape with her ex where she gives him a footjob and I heard the 12yr old blonde girl got invited to this year’s Bohemian Grove”



you can't tell but it sez BJ on the little dudes flag

Birthday Boners

T'was the 10th of November,
and in my minds eye.
Sexy creatures were stirring,
making my penis cry.




Oh, Christina Hendricks,
I really wish you would grab it.
At times I think you're related,
to Jessica Rabbit.




I'd bone Rashida Jones,
even if she had Scabies.
We'd be the talk of the town,
with our weird-ass race babies.




Oh look! Rachel Stevens,
how'd you get in my head?
Wanna help me with something?
Here's a hint: "...'til I'm dead"

Thus ends my post,
I'm so glad that you stayed.
Happy Birthday to me,
tonight I hope I get pizza.


(PS: I have no idea how the S Club 7 girl got here)

shut up you beautiful bitch

Are fictional characters allowed? Because I don’t think I wanna bone Danny McBride as much as I wanna be made uncomfortable by a nude Kenny fucking Powers. I think it’s the wrap around sunglasses and baseball arms that really get me. Not so much the gelled curly hair, sensitive actor, friend of Will Ferrell steeze. Also his facial hair choices transcend Kenny Powers and make me think he looks like that on the daily and not just as a joke.
I was recently the victim of a drunken sexual advancement by Kenny Powers on a Halloween dance floor and it made me realize something. If this dude really existed, I’d totally bone him. But when someone ‘pretends’ to be Kenny Powers to the point of coming off as an actual ‘misogynist’ its not so much ‘sexy’ or ‘funny’ as it is ‘RAPEY.’ Note to dudes, don’t take yr costumes that far. No one wants to be drunk in Halloween jail. Especially not dudes dressed up as homoerotic southern racists.

Hummina Hummia Hummina Polanski

This. Feels. Illegal.
This kid is 17. SEVENTEEN PEOPLE. Have you even seen the trailers for New Moon (you haven’t), but he is shirtless like 200% of the movie. I know that there are plot reasons for him to be shirtless and warm and pulsating all the time (Spoilerz, he’s a werewolf. Gah Stephenie Meyer you never stop), but my old lady heart can’t take this! I’m sweating under my Spanx here boy! When I was 17 my boyfriend already had a beer belly and a kid. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY FEEDING THIS KID? Like Twilight isn’t already making me feel prepubescent and now they gotta put these pictures on the internet?? Guh, if I didn’t already have my menses this woulda ushered it out. AWWOOOGA. Come over here and give nana a kiss. Taylor Lautner’s biceps have solidified my estatus de futuro as creepy old lady. Now excuse me while I go slather my knees in cold cream and listen to my blogs.



i wanna eat ceviche off his naked body

bone limericks

I’ve crushed on you since “Gimmie the light.”
At night I dream about you holding me tight.
Intense and unyielding, like yr bedazzled headbands,
Wrapped up in my sheets, he’s got some big hands!
Lord I would never put up a fight.