Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Brown Man's Kryptonite

I’m going to assume that you’re not Mexican because Mexicans can’t afford/understand the internetz. Which is why I'm going to take a minute to explain our obsession with white girls with big asses.
It’s no secret brown dudes love big butts, just as much as we lovelovelove us some gueras. How can you not? their parents have money (at least, more than we do anyway) they think we're all romantic and good in bed simply because we speak Spanish. That's cute right? thanks TV and movies!!! They know how to use birth control and best of all, they've all been to college, which helped enrich their- excuse me, I have something in my throat...
*cough! cough! co-awesomeblowjobs-cough! co-threeways-cough!*

Their only disadvantage seems to be mild-to severe cases of Nassatall throughout 80% of their race. It's no surprise that when we find a blonde, pale-ass Salma Hayek we can't help but get all 'Jafar' on that shit! Rub it until all your wildest dreams become reality homes!
"THE DIIIIIAAAAAMOND IN THE RRRRRROOUUUGGGGH!!!" (monster voice) He's not dark-skinned cuz Disney's racist- it's all metaphors dawg!
Seriously, it's like winning the lottery on the same day you find out you can fly and create In-N-Out burgers out of thin air with your mind.

Gimmie some chon-chon!

Emily Blunt

Puff-puff give? more like puff-puff KEEP!
This is one blunt I would definitely "Bogart"
Do people still say Bogart? I wouldn't know, I stopped
smoking weed after high school- like everyone
else in the world should!
If you’re a stoner and you’re over 18 it makes as much
sense as being goth after 21 (when you can go to bars instead of coffee houses)
Just sayin’ yo.

Jessica Biel

Yeah, I know she's corny, but come on!- look at that thing!
I just wanna put my baby tooth underneath it and lay my drowsy head
on it and go mimis.
I just wanna play Hot Wheels on it and pretend I’m racing up and over
giant sand dunes on the Sahara.
I just wanna scratch my name on it with a fountain pen like in that song.
I just wanna lay my slices of French toast on it to keep them warm
while I finish cooking the rest.
In other words, I'm creepy and weird and I loves me some white ass.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Boner Rocket

Dear AT&T,

Well then. It’s been a while hasn’t it?
I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in a minute. I’ve been so busy lately, what with all the time I sit alone in my room naked now thinking about Luke Wilson in yr new commercials. YIKES.
I think I’m gonna need a bigger “Please take off all my clothes with yr teeth and read cities to me in that plaid shirt” limit. Or perhaps I can just sign a 2 year “Let me put my tongue between those furrowed brows of yrs until you cum rollover minutes” contract?
Whatever it is, man oh man, thanks for reminding me why I watched that shit show known as the Royal Tenenbaums so many times. Today is the day yr gonna kill yrself huh? Well today is the day I find yr address and send you sexy postcards til you put me in jail bro.


Love & Sexts,

mmm, txt me l8r you fucking fatty. i luv it.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'd just love to lay you down... and then have a lot of sex with you

So I was sitting alone in my room last night, my new favorite thing to do cuz I’m 15 and angsty, when Conway Twitty came on iTunes. Holy god lord in heaven does he have a sexy voice. I usually don’t fall for the deep voice steez but something with this man singing songs about cowboy love makes me wanna slip outta my Target flats and get naked on a bearskin rug. Not only that but his songs really hover the line between creepy and erotic. That is definitely my favorite border to straddle. What part about “I’d just love to lay you down” don’t you understand ladies? Also, can we talk about that pompadour? Yikes. Shit below the equator just got real. That thing is the blow-out to my Jersey Shore. I feel like during sex he’d be one of those dudes that’s all “don’t touch my hair” and I’d swoon cuz deep down I’m pretending that he’s Dylan from 90210.

Listen to those ladies swooning.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Cuddly Boners

Yeah dude, I already know what you're gonna say;
"Phoebe Cates in Gremlins? But what about the pool scene in Fast Times? With the wetness and the topless and bladyblah...."
Yaaaaaawwwn! I could jerk off thinking about that at Morrissey's funeral (held at the Holocaust Museum) total amateur night.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because xxxmas is right around the corner, but fuck a red bikini! Give me hot cocoa body shots on a bearskin rug near a roaring fire. Get those pants off Pheeebs and leave the sweater vest and turtleneck combo on (watch the movie) you're so cozy I want you to cram festive socks in my mouth.

better yet, just keep them on

God I'd feed that after midnight soooo hard! Is it weird that I wanna chew on her frizzy bangs for a few seconds?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Accidental Boner (Amazons)

‘If Michelle and Ramon email each other all day when they should be working, and no one is around to read them. Are they still funny as shit and total geniuses?’

From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon lopez"
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:00 AM

the weddings not til april right? i dont know what im gonna wear you dickhead. i dont think im gonna brave heels cuz lordy i am a fucking monster clutz. esp with an open bar.
you know when a huge tranny tries to teeter around in heels and looks like their ankles are about to snap? thats what i look like in heels. we'll see. maybe i'll get some low ones. so im not 200 feet tall. can you wear lifts in yr shoes so i dont look like a fool with a midget date? thx.

Tue, Dec 15, 2009 at 11:20 AM, ramon wrote:
its may 21st im tryna be ready for it asap cuz i tend to put things off waay too much. dudes like tall girls (amazons) michelle. maybe cuz we feel like were getting 2 girls for the price of 1? or like when you go to hometown buffett and you get excited when you see all that food and think "im gonna have that that and that and then that!!!" even though you know you wont actually finish any of it. same with a tall girl, youre all "im gonna run my tongue up and down those long ass legs" but you only finish one cuz it takes too long and your boners killing you. also its like conquering your very own everest? a seemingly endless mountain of boobs and ass- are u up for the challenge? will you reach the summit in one piece? dude that shouldve been a boner jam! i cant think of any tall ass celebrities though.

From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:44 AM
ahahahahaha. that should be a boner jam!!
mandy moore is really tall. well tall for a famous lady. shes my size. hmm, who else is tall.
models are usually tall so like gisele or bar rafelli or any other lady whos dated leonardo dicaprio. blake lively (serena, the blonde one) from gossip girl is really tall too. shes taller than me i think.

Well Michelle, Gisele’s got a dude face and I don’t know who Bar Rafalgerojsrjer is so I choo-choo-choose you! Blake Lively to get all Sir Edmund Hillary on that ass (I made that up like 2 seconds ago but seriously it felt great finally being able to use it) and what’s the deal with calling me a dickhead from out of nowhere like I’m the brother from 16 Candles?
PS: Quick impression of every chick I know that watches Gossip Girl;
(clears throat) “Yeah, the guy that plays Chuck Bass, totally gay! And that one girl made a sex tape with her ex where she gives him a footjob and I heard the 12yr old blonde girl got invited to this year’s Bohemian Grove”

you can't tell but it sez BJ on the little dudes flag

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Birthday Boners

T'was the 10th of November,
and in my minds eye.
Sexy creatures were stirring,
making my penis cry.

Oh, Christina Hendricks,
I really wish you would grab it.
At times I think you're related,
to Jessica Rabbit.

I'd bone Rashida Jones,
even if she had Scabies.
We'd be the talk of the town,
with our weird-ass race babies.

Oh look! Rachel Stevens,
how'd you get in my head?
Wanna help me with something?
Here's a hint: "...'til I'm dead"

Thus ends my post,
I'm so glad that you stayed.
Happy Birthday to me,
tonight I hope I get pizza.

(PS: I have no idea how the S Club 7 girl got here)

Monday, November 2, 2009

shut up you beautiful bitch

Are fictional characters allowed? Because I don’t think I wanna bone Danny McBride as much as I wanna be made uncomfortable by a nude Kenny fucking Powers. I think it’s the wrap around sunglasses and baseball arms that really get me. Not so much the gelled curly hair, sensitive actor, friend of Will Ferrell steeze. Also his facial hair choices transcend Kenny Powers and make me think he looks like that on the daily and not just as a joke.
I was recently the victim of a drunken sexual advancement by Kenny Powers on a Halloween dance floor and it made me realize something. If this dude really existed, I’d totally bone him. But when someone ‘pretends’ to be Kenny Powers to the point of coming off as an actual ‘misogynist’ its not so much ‘sexy’ or ‘funny’ as it is ‘RAPEY.’ Note to dudes, don’t take yr costumes that far. No one wants to be drunk in Halloween jail. Especially not dudes dressed up as homoerotic southern racists.