Sartorial Boners: 87 Jeans and a Fresh Pair of Nikes On

We all have bizarre idiosyncrasies that emerge when we see someone attractive on the street/train/dance floor/toilet. I have friends who notice height first, others who notice the eyes. I usually look at shoes first. I’m not proud of this, but a girl’s gotta have standards. You can be a total knock down drag out take off my pants right now and howl in the middle of Graham Avenue babe but if I look down and yr wearing bad shoes, deal breaker dude. Steve Maddens, are you fucking kidding me? Mandals. Just give me a hysterectomy right now! Running shoes? I’m happy you exercise but paired with yr skinny jeans you kinda look like a lesbian bartender. Seriously, HOW HARD ARE A PAIR OF VANS!?! They aren’t even expensive!

*Photo courtesy of Lauren Wilkinson, the great American hero who risked her life to take this photo on the L train. His shoes devoured her moments after. RIP Wilkes. I hope yr making dick jokes in heaven.

Kiefer Bonerland: The Original

I know all the ladies these days are super wet for those 16 yr old vampires and werewolves running rampant in Washington state totally NOT boning (wtf Mormons) in Twilight. And don’t get me wrong, I’m into it too. But seriously, no immortal gives me an ultimate blood-thirsty wide-on like Kiefer Sutherland’s 80s mulleted, blonde bearded, trench coat wearing, shark tooth earring self in The Lost Boys. I don’t know if Michael was supposed to be the babe in the movie but I couldn’t even look at his lame ass. I prefer my man to run a gang of dudes in stretch pants (one of which is no stranger to phone booth time travel) who live underground together homo-erotically and go on killing sprees where they massacre everyone in what looks to be a Red Hot Chili Peppers meet and greet around a bonfire in California. WOOF. I would let this man head butt me in the vag all night long. And maybe for kicks, I would whisper ‘Yr eating maggots Kiefer” while he went down on me. He’d laugh right?