Stairmasturbator

"Exercise can keep your heart healthy, your body slim and your psyche sound, and now comes the news that it can act as an aphrodisiac too.
Although you may not feel so sexy after a sweaty workout, don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling in the mood for love. Research now suggests that along with all of the other health benefits exercise confers, it can also give a big boost to your sex life. The reason has less to do with getting stronger than with the release of endorphins in the brain (as a result of physical exertion) that influence how we feel..."
-The Internets

Yeah, tell me about it guy. I go to the gym about 4 times a week (still chubby though) which also means that 4 days out of the week if you happen to see me coming AND you happen to have a vagina, ohhhhhh maaan....keep that shit out of sight! I'm talking hide your chain that your grandmama gave you when you hear the squeaky beach cruiser getting closer. For real, It's like I was out at sea and was immediately taken to prison as soon as I got home where I was only allowed to watch Cinemax after 10pm on TV.
Oh, by the way, shoutout to 90% of the ladies at the Mission Valley YMCA for not helping at all with the situation. Giving me erections while on the eliptical watching Law & Order: SVU is totes not embarrassing and creepy at all, good lookin' out! XXXTRA special thanks to the same 90% of you gals for feeling compelled to wear those tight-ass black spandex Capri pants every time you work out (are you guys in a gang?) Tell me, does forcing me to think about bending you over an exercise ball somehow help you burn more calories? does it improve your form? Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
It's bad enough you already look like I just fucked you with your sweaty backs and your face all flushed. Take it easy on me, no? I just wanna work on my summer bod and listen to The Smiths on my iPod (it makes me feel less bro-y)
Shit's too much, someone needs to open a dudes only gym. Kinda like Curves, except it would be called "I Can Smell Your Dick Sweat"

Daily Boners

I think it’s pretty obvious that I wanna dry-hump Jon Stewart within an inch of his life. I mean what self-respecting girl doesn’t? But can we take the time to address the fucking BABE situation in the Daily Show’s past and present correspondent pool?

First things first.

Ed Helms:

Maybe it’s because he’s been all over my brain lately with trailers for the Hangover (and me watching the Office alone in my room crying every night) but there is SOMETHING about this huge white person that makes me wanna eat a mayonnaise sandwich, wash it down with a glass of milk, and go to a 4th of July parade. Now I kinda feel guilty about all the trash I talk about white men…j/k, you guys are still awful.

Jason Jones:

I too fall victim to the 'dudes risking their lives' boner. He went to Iran when there was some SERIOUS boner-killing shit going down. He threw on a flack jacket and grew a beard and spoof-reported his way right into my thundering heart. He’s also from Canada so I don’t have to feel too patriotic about this one. If you’ve looked into this man’s crystal blue eyes and not seen a Lisa Frank-themed wedding then you are obviously dead inside.

Wyatt Cenac:

This one is pretty easy/obvious. It’s like the Daily Show and my vag are in cahoots and decided to take this ultra-hilarious babe, dress him in a suit, and put him on Hulu for me to enjoy every night before bed, shame-free. Do you ever see people on TV and convince yrself that you’re definitely gonna run into them on the street so you prepare a monologue? Do you think he would be enamored with my unprotected choke-sex talk (while wearing a wedding dress) or creeped out?

Reality Bones

Ok. I feel like I always gotta start these off with some sort of disclaimer. Like Yo, I’m not really into dudes like this, and given the opportunity I probably wouldn’t go home with him, and frankly I couldn’t even imagine a scenario in which we’d be in the same room or whatever. But honestly, I don’t even care anymore. I have such a fucking crush on Big Rig aka Jeremiah Riggs from ‘Daisy of Love’ I don’t even know what to do with myself. He’s like the exact opposite of every dude I’ve ever boned in my entire life. He’s got muscles on purpose, a southern accent that doesn’t annoy me, he doesn’t wanna talk about the new Grizzly Bear album and has definitely never been to Union Pool. He does have pretty awful tattoos though, which I’m used to. They look like he’s lost a lot of bets in life. I’m so fucking into it.
I want him to 'win' the show, since I’m on his side 4 lyfe. Then again, I also want him to lose because I wouldn’t wish a contractual relationship with Daisy de la Herpe on even my worst enemy. Buy me a 12 pack of Busch and put me in a sleeper hold til I can wriggle outta these skinny jeans you fucking beast.

Barbonerz

Aight.
I have a feeling that this boner stems from the most glorious equation in man-made boozy existence:
inebriated me + bearded babes + said babes serving me delicious alcohol + dimmed lighting x desperation squared = yours truly, balancing precariously on a bar stool, screaming 'ANAL' everytime he walks by, chewing on a straw, doing my best daisy of love impersonation, and basically failing at life and making my mom burst into psychic tears 2000 miles away all over some bro whos only being nice to me cuz I'M GIVING HIM MONEY!

FYI: Bragging about yr graduate degree does not a successful bartender pick-up make.