Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Brown Man's Kryptonite

I’m going to assume that you’re not Mexican because Mexicans can’t afford/understand the internetz. Which is why I'm going to take a minute to explain our obsession with white girls with big asses.
It’s no secret brown dudes love big butts, just as much as we lovelovelove us some gueras. How can you not? their parents have money (at least, more than we do anyway) they think we're all romantic and good in bed simply because we speak Spanish. That's cute right? thanks TV and movies!!! They know how to use birth control and best of all, they've all been to college, which helped enrich their- excuse me, I have something in my throat...
*cough! cough! co-awesomeblowjobs-cough! co-threeways-cough!*

Their only disadvantage seems to be mild-to severe cases of Nassatall throughout 80% of their race. It's no surprise that when we find a blonde, pale-ass Salma Hayek we can't help but get all 'Jafar' on that shit! Rub it until all your wildest dreams become reality homes!
"THE DIIIIIAAAAAMOND IN THE RRRRRROOUUUGGGGH!!!" (monster voice) He's not dark-skinned cuz Disney's racist- it's all metaphors dawg!
Seriously, it's like winning the lottery on the same day you find out you can fly and create In-N-Out burgers out of thin air with your mind.


Gimmie some chon-chon!





Emily Blunt


Puff-puff give? more like puff-puff KEEP!
This is one blunt I would definitely "Bogart"
Do people still say Bogart? I wouldn't know, I stopped
smoking weed after high school- like everyone
else in the world should!
If you’re a stoner and you’re over 18 it makes as much
sense as being goth after 21 (when you can go to bars instead of coffee houses)
Just sayin’ yo.





Jessica Biel


Yeah, I know she's corny, but come on!- look at that thing!
I just wanna put my baby tooth underneath it and lay my drowsy head
on it and go mimis.
I just wanna play Hot Wheels on it and pretend I’m racing up and over
giant sand dunes on the Sahara.
I just wanna scratch my name on it with a fountain pen like in that song.
I just wanna lay my slices of French toast on it to keep them warm
while I finish cooking the rest.
In other words, I'm creepy and weird and I loves me some white ass.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Boner Rocket



Dear AT&T,

Well then. It’s been a while hasn’t it?
I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in a minute. I’ve been so busy lately, what with all the time I sit alone in my room naked now thinking about Luke Wilson in yr new commercials. YIKES.
I think I’m gonna need a bigger “Please take off all my clothes with yr teeth and read cities to me in that plaid shirt” limit. Or perhaps I can just sign a 2 year “Let me put my tongue between those furrowed brows of yrs until you cum rollover minutes” contract?
Whatever it is, man oh man, thanks for reminding me why I watched that shit show known as the Royal Tenenbaums so many times. Today is the day yr gonna kill yrself huh? Well today is the day I find yr address and send you sexy postcards til you put me in jail bro.

THANK YOU.

Love & Sexts,
mickey


mmm, txt me l8r you fucking fatty. i luv it.