I'd just love to lay you down... and then have a lot of sex with you

So I was sitting alone in my room last night, my new favorite thing to do cuz I’m 15 and angsty, when Conway Twitty came on iTunes. Holy god lord in heaven does he have a sexy voice. I usually don’t fall for the deep voice steez but something with this man singing songs about cowboy love makes me wanna slip outta my Target flats and get naked on a bearskin rug. Not only that but his songs really hover the line between creepy and erotic. That is definitely my favorite border to straddle. What part about “I’d just love to lay you down” don’t you understand ladies? Also, can we talk about that pompadour? Yikes. Shit below the equator just got real. That thing is the blow-out to my Jersey Shore. I feel like during sex he’d be one of those dudes that’s all “don’t touch my hair” and I’d swoon cuz deep down I’m pretending that he’s Dylan from 90210.


Listen to those ladies swooning.

Cuddly Boners

Yeah dude, I already know what you're gonna say;
"Phoebe Cates in Gremlins? But what about the pool scene in Fast Times? With the wetness and the topless and bladyblah...."
Yaaaaaawwwn! I could jerk off thinking about that at Morrissey's funeral (held at the Holocaust Museum) total amateur night.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because xxxmas is right around the corner, but fuck a red bikini! Give me hot cocoa body shots on a bearskin rug near a roaring fire. Get those pants off Pheeebs and leave the sweater vest and turtleneck combo on (watch the movie) you're so cozy I want you to cram festive socks in my mouth.

better yet, just keep them on

God I'd feed that after midnight soooo hard! Is it weird that I wanna chew on her frizzy bangs for a few seconds?

Accidental Boner (Amazons)

‘If Michelle and Ramon email each other all day when they should be working, and no one is around to read them. Are they still funny as shit and total geniuses?’



From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon lopez"
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:00 AM

the weddings not til april right? i dont know what im gonna wear you dickhead. i dont think im gonna brave heels cuz lordy i am a fucking monster clutz. esp with an open bar.
you know when a huge tranny tries to teeter around in heels and looks like their ankles are about to snap? thats what i look like in heels. we'll see. maybe i'll get some low ones. so im not 200 feet tall. can you wear lifts in yr shoes so i dont look like a fool with a midget date? thx.



Tue, Dec 15, 2009 at 11:20 AM, ramon wrote:
its may 21st im tryna be ready for it asap cuz i tend to put things off waay too much. dudes like tall girls (amazons) michelle. maybe cuz we feel like were getting 2 girls for the price of 1? or like when you go to hometown buffett and you get excited when you see all that food and think "im gonna have that that and that and then that!!!" even though you know you wont actually finish any of it. same with a tall girl, youre all "im gonna run my tongue up and down those long ass legs" but you only finish one cuz it takes too long and your boners killing you. also its like conquering your very own everest? a seemingly endless mountain of boobs and ass- are u up for the challenge? will you reach the summit in one piece? dude that shouldve been a boner jam! i cant think of any tall ass celebrities though.

From: michelle r
Subject: Re:
To: "ramon
Date: Tuesday, December 15, 2009, 11:44 AM
ahahahahaha. that should be a boner jam!!
mandy moore is really tall. well tall for a famous lady. shes my size. hmm, who else is tall.
models are usually tall so like gisele or bar rafelli or any other lady whos dated leonardo dicaprio. blake lively (serena, the blonde one) from gossip girl is really tall too. shes taller than me i think.


Well Michelle, Gisele’s got a dude face and I don’t know who Bar Rafalgerojsrjer is so I choo-choo-choose you! Blake Lively to get all Sir Edmund Hillary on that ass (I made that up like 2 seconds ago but seriously it felt great finally being able to use it) and what’s the deal with calling me a dickhead from out of nowhere like I’m the brother from 16 Candles?
PS: Quick impression of every chick I know that watches Gossip Girl;
(clears throat) “Yeah, the guy that plays Chuck Bass, totally gay! And that one girl made a sex tape with her ex where she gives him a footjob and I heard the 12yr old blonde girl got invited to this year’s Bohemian Grove”



you can't tell but it sez BJ on the little dudes flag

Birthday Boners

T'was the 10th of November,
and in my minds eye.
Sexy creatures were stirring,
making my penis cry.




Oh, Christina Hendricks,
I really wish you would grab it.
At times I think you're related,
to Jessica Rabbit.




I'd bone Rashida Jones,
even if she had Scabies.
We'd be the talk of the town,
with our weird-ass race babies.




Oh look! Rachel Stevens,
how'd you get in my head?
Wanna help me with something?
Here's a hint: "...'til I'm dead"

Thus ends my post,
I'm so glad that you stayed.
Happy Birthday to me,
tonight I hope I get pizza.


(PS: I have no idea how the S Club 7 girl got here)

shut up you beautiful bitch

Are fictional characters allowed? Because I don’t think I wanna bone Danny McBride as much as I wanna be made uncomfortable by a nude Kenny fucking Powers. I think it’s the wrap around sunglasses and baseball arms that really get me. Not so much the gelled curly hair, sensitive actor, friend of Will Ferrell steeze. Also his facial hair choices transcend Kenny Powers and make me think he looks like that on the daily and not just as a joke.
I was recently the victim of a drunken sexual advancement by Kenny Powers on a Halloween dance floor and it made me realize something. If this dude really existed, I’d totally bone him. But when someone ‘pretends’ to be Kenny Powers to the point of coming off as an actual ‘misogynist’ its not so much ‘sexy’ or ‘funny’ as it is ‘RAPEY.’ Note to dudes, don’t take yr costumes that far. No one wants to be drunk in Halloween jail. Especially not dudes dressed up as homoerotic southern racists.

Hummina Hummia Hummina Polanski

This. Feels. Illegal.
This kid is 17. SEVENTEEN PEOPLE. Have you even seen the trailers for New Moon (you haven’t), but he is shirtless like 200% of the movie. I know that there are plot reasons for him to be shirtless and warm and pulsating all the time (Spoilerz, he’s a werewolf. Gah Stephenie Meyer you never stop), but my old lady heart can’t take this! I’m sweating under my Spanx here boy! When I was 17 my boyfriend already had a beer belly and a kid. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY FEEDING THIS KID? Like Twilight isn’t already making me feel prepubescent and now they gotta put these pictures on the internet?? Guh, if I didn’t already have my menses this woulda ushered it out. AWWOOOGA. Come over here and give nana a kiss. Taylor Lautner’s biceps have solidified my estatus de futuro as creepy old lady. Now excuse me while I go slather my knees in cold cream and listen to my blogs.



i wanna eat ceviche off his naked body

bone limericks

I’ve crushed on you since “Gimmie the light.”
At night I dream about you holding me tight.
Intense and unyielding, like yr bedazzled headbands,
Wrapped up in my sheets, he’s got some big hands!
Lord I would never put up a fight.

Bone Haiku

Salma Hayek


The perfect woman
No time for losers like me
God laughs from his cloud






Russian Red


Lovely girl from Spain
I'll never buy your album
Can I still hit that?






Zooey Deschanel


Sigh…guilty pleasures
Why must your bangs drive me wild?
Your husband is gay

Unrealized Blushing Boners

I had NO idea I thought this dude was even remotely good looking. Anyone on MTV’s payroll, who wants to be taken seriously as a journalist, and wears those glasses is usually on the express to the dead last slot on my boner schedule. I think about you less than I think about cargo-short outfitted college seniors pursuing a career in marketing.

But here I was, kinda drunk in the LES with some lady friends wondering why this fine ass man kept making eye contact with me (he must’ve thought I was a fan of his journalistic work on sexual health among teens). He was a BABE, I was drunk, it’s the lower east side, what of it?! Maybe I was so into him cuz he wasn’t trying to make me care about Kosovo or whatever. So he goes to leave the bar and me being the creepy sexual assault type, decide to bump into him (read: tackle) and in my best drunk girl voice mutter “ey where you going…” Best pick up line evaaarrr.
One thing leads to another and I realize that I’m basically pinning Gideon Yago to a pool table in front of about 75 people. In my defense he had a beard and was heavier than the last time I saw him using serious face whilst discussing Iraq with Condoleezza Rice. Needless to say he barely escaped with his pants. It was all downhill once my eyes focused and I realized who he was (I am leaving out countless embarrassing details, seriously I had NO IDEA it was him). Sometimes our boners deceive us, think before you act.

Embarrassing Wide-ons

Seriously. This is mega humiliating.



I have NO IDEA what started this. I should probably blame The Fast and the Furious franchise, Sparks, and my period. Making me confuse things like sexuality, cars, muscles, and Vin Diesel with respect, sexy, ok, boners, feelings, and understanding. UGH. You know when you catch yrself checking out an ugly co-worker and you realize its cuz you haven’t had sex in like FOREVER and you kinda forgot what the opposite gender looks like naked? That’s how I feel when I look at this dude (born Mark Sinclair Vincent, the fuck he change his name for?!). :boner embarrassment shudders: He also kinda looks like a cartoon shark when he smiles.


thanks vic

It’s some gender stereotype bullshit, I know, for me to wanna grip his back muscles this bad, but its all I can think about! You know what, I’m just gonna give in. Excuse me while I go troll the New York Sports Club smoothie bar for potential date rapes.



*After reading Vin's (I call him Vin now) wikipedia I kinda fell a little more in love with him. UGH what is going on? Make it stop!

Embarrassing Boners: His

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
-Mother Theresa


Ugh! We’re probably gonna regret this later, but fuck it. We’ll martyr ourselves for the sake of good times. Think of us as suicide bombers, except our vests are filled with giggles and we're on a mission to blow up a shopping mall full of frowns.






Tabitha Soren

Other than the ‘Normal girl’ steez she’s got going on that I love-your guess is as good as mine dude. I blame it on 90’s, I got Mulder telling me every Friday that aliens are gonna kidnap me and the government’s all, “meh” about it- for real?! Fuckin’ Capcom has me convinced that traveling the globe to pick fights with people is a total blast. I didn’t know which way was up, my friends. Me? horny for a Daywalker? Must’ve been all that Crystal Pepsi I never drank.

Embarrassing factor: 9






Chrissy Russo (Fox 5 news San Diego)

One morning while getting ready for work I turned my TV on because I wanted to check the weather. I flipped around looking for the news and… well, the rest is “Jerk before work” history. You can’t blame me for this one either, I’m sure they let her wear short skirts and low-cut dresses cuz she’s younger/slightly more attractive than the other newscasters- Don’t believe me? LOOK!
Susan Lennon? Ummm… naw, I’m cool, thanks. Just tell me how to avoid Myspace molesters and that'll be that.

Embarrassing factor: 6

Can I Get A 'Whoooooaaah Boner?!'

Dudes, remember being 13 and a virgin? Remember thinking how Kelly Bundy would be the perfect girl because you’re fucking stupid and horny?
“Awww dude, what if she was my girlfriend? That would be raaaaaad! She dresses hot, she knows how to fight! And I could totally trick her into doing it with me because she’s dumb as shit and she’s slutty!”
First of all, younger me, why would you need to trick her into fucking you if she’s already your girlfriend and a slut? Furthermore, do you really want to date a girl that can be fooled that easily? So your equally horny friends could come over and be all “Theeees eeees how we say ‘hayllo’ eeen my kontree” (titty grab, blowjob)
Ugh! Ramon 17 years ago, you’re such a disease!
Needless to say my taste in women has matured, somewhat. I still get major boner fuel from knowing that a girl can fight, not unlike badass Ms. Bundy here. Am I the only one that gets heated from seeing a girl being able to throw a good punch? I don’t even know how to throw a good punch.
So anyway, who remembers that song by the Young Black Teenagers about fucking Kelly Bundy? Who remembers that the Young Black Teenagers were all white?

*note: I recently tried to jerk it to her after a Married With Children marathon on TV for old times sake. Now all I could think was “Did they make all of those dresses for her or did they buy them? If so, from where?” Older and wiser???

Sartorial Boners: 87 Jeans and a Fresh Pair of Nikes On

We all have bizarre idiosyncrasies that emerge when we see someone attractive on the street/train/dance floor/toilet. I have friends who notice height first, others who notice the eyes. I usually look at shoes first. I’m not proud of this, but a girl’s gotta have standards. You can be a total knock down drag out take off my pants right now and howl in the middle of Graham Avenue babe but if I look down and yr wearing bad shoes, deal breaker dude. Steve Maddens, are you fucking kidding me? Mandals. Just give me a hysterectomy right now! Running shoes? I’m happy you exercise but paired with yr skinny jeans you kinda look like a lesbian bartender. Seriously, HOW HARD ARE A PAIR OF VANS!?! They aren’t even expensive!

*Photo courtesy of Lauren Wilkinson, the great American hero who risked her life to take this photo on the L train. His shoes devoured her moments after. RIP Wilkes. I hope yr making dick jokes in heaven.

Kiefer Bonerland: The Original

I know all the ladies these days are super wet for those 16 yr old vampires and werewolves running rampant in Washington state totally NOT boning (wtf Mormons) in Twilight. And don’t get me wrong, I’m into it too. But seriously, no immortal gives me an ultimate blood-thirsty wide-on like Kiefer Sutherland’s 80s mulleted, blonde bearded, trench coat wearing, shark tooth earring self in The Lost Boys. I don’t know if Michael was supposed to be the babe in the movie but I couldn’t even look at his lame ass. I prefer my man to run a gang of dudes in stretch pants (one of which is no stranger to phone booth time travel) who live underground together homo-erotically and go on killing sprees where they massacre everyone in what looks to be a Red Hot Chili Peppers meet and greet around a bonfire in California. WOOF. I would let this man head butt me in the vag all night long. And maybe for kicks, I would whisper ‘Yr eating maggots Kiefer” while he went down on me. He’d laugh right?

Biker Bones

Do you ever see a totally rad older dude on the street and think “Dayum, THAT is what my husband/slampiece is gonna look like when I’m an old lady, CHRIST!!!!” For me, these dudes are usually of the old biker variety. Bushy grey beards, leather vests, blurry tattoos and shit-eating grins like, ‘Yo girl I may be old but I could still totally bone the shit outta you.” Keep on keepin’ on, old man cuz yr fucking right.
Biker babes, here’s to you!
Fuck that fixed gear nonsense. Get me off this slow-ped. I wanna man with a loud, serious gas-guzzling piece of shit between his legs. With gnarly beards that always smell like weed n’ meth, and oil stained finger nails on big meaty tattooed hands, ladies amirite? They prolly eat pussy like a motorcycle engine, thigh-brating all the way. WOOF in a good way. These dudes turn me into a cartoon dog with my eyes popping out and tongue rolling on the floor... Hummina, hummina, hummina! Is titty flashing still the universal biker mating call cuz my shirt is already off.



these girls fucking rule

Bone Sliders

Burger King did it, McDonald’s did it, now I’m doing it. I’m getting in on this mini craze that corporations tell me is the new hot shit. Big is out! Here's a few tiny little guys you can easily savor and digest, one tasty morsel at a time. Here, fatso;





Giada de Laurentiis

I think this risotto needs to be sexualized for about 10 more minutes, and maybe add another 2 cups of cleavage (get it? durrrrrr)
Oh, you sexy little bobblehead you. Not that I don't appreciate you going "Mmmm......soooo good" as you slowly roll your eyes back then knead something in a tube top, but I seriously doubt you're gonna get canned, so chill. Does Food Network even cancel shows?





Cat Power (Chan Marshall)

More like Cat Plow-her! (get it? durrrrrr)
Hot with a hint of crazy? How can you resist? You might not enjoy getting bitched out by her drunk ass at a party because you asked a girl where the cups are (Whoooo is sheee? why don't you just go fuck her?! You probably already did, didn't you!?) but the guilt-soaked makeup sex later that night would totally be worth the awkward glances.
PS: Yes, I know she stopped drinking, but picturing her with a bottle in her hand, a cigarette in her mouth and sleepy eyes makes her seem hotter for some reason.





Sean Young In Bladerunner

Attention, 3 girls that read this (except Rebecca)
I will seriously marry you if you dress up as Rachael for me and let me "retire" that ass on the regular. Not only that, I also promise to feign interest in your ridiculous girl problems, check it;
"Marc Jacobs died? Ohhh sweetie, I'm so sorry, come here"
"Your feet are all fucked up? There, there. But you're always wearing those millimeter-thick flats, I don't understand" (pretty good, right?)
If you manage to get her hair just right, I’ll also pretend to give a shit about whatever it is you care about, no matter how asinine;
“Yeah, how did he manage to win Project Runway?! I’ve never met this guy, but you’re absolutely right, he is a stupid homo douche backstabber- and he definitely does deserve to die! Can you put the costume on now?"

Stairmasturbator

"Exercise can keep your heart healthy, your body slim and your psyche sound, and now comes the news that it can act as an aphrodisiac too.
Although you may not feel so sexy after a sweaty workout, don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling in the mood for love. Research now suggests that along with all of the other health benefits exercise confers, it can also give a big boost to your sex life. The reason has less to do with getting stronger than with the release of endorphins in the brain (as a result of physical exertion) that influence how we feel..."
-The Internets

Yeah, tell me about it guy. I go to the gym about 4 times a week (still chubby though) which also means that 4 days out of the week if you happen to see me coming AND you happen to have a vagina, ohhhhhh maaan....keep that shit out of sight! I'm talking hide your chain that your grandmama gave you when you hear the squeaky beach cruiser getting closer. For real, It's like I was out at sea and was immediately taken to prison as soon as I got home where I was only allowed to watch Cinemax after 10pm on TV.
Oh, by the way, shoutout to 90% of the ladies at the Mission Valley YMCA for not helping at all with the situation. Giving me erections while on the eliptical watching Law & Order: SVU is totes not embarrassing and creepy at all, good lookin' out! XXXTRA special thanks to the same 90% of you gals for feeling compelled to wear those tight-ass black spandex Capri pants every time you work out (are you guys in a gang?) Tell me, does forcing me to think about bending you over an exercise ball somehow help you burn more calories? does it improve your form? Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
It's bad enough you already look like I just fucked you with your sweaty backs and your face all flushed. Take it easy on me, no? I just wanna work on my summer bod and listen to The Smiths on my iPod (it makes me feel less bro-y)
Shit's too much, someone needs to open a dudes only gym. Kinda like Curves, except it would be called "I Can Smell Your Dick Sweat"

Daily Boners

I think it’s pretty obvious that I wanna dry-hump Jon Stewart within an inch of his life. I mean what self-respecting girl doesn’t? But can we take the time to address the fucking BABE situation in the Daily Show’s past and present correspondent pool?

First things first.

Ed Helms:

Maybe it’s because he’s been all over my brain lately with trailers for the Hangover (and me watching the Office alone in my room crying every night) but there is SOMETHING about this huge white person that makes me wanna eat a mayonnaise sandwich, wash it down with a glass of milk, and go to a 4th of July parade. Now I kinda feel guilty about all the trash I talk about white men…j/k, you guys are still awful.

Jason Jones:

I too fall victim to the 'dudes risking their lives' boner. He went to Iran when there was some SERIOUS boner-killing shit going down. He threw on a flack jacket and grew a beard and spoof-reported his way right into my thundering heart. He’s also from Canada so I don’t have to feel too patriotic about this one. If you’ve looked into this man’s crystal blue eyes and not seen a Lisa Frank-themed wedding then you are obviously dead inside.

Wyatt Cenac:

This one is pretty easy/obvious. It’s like the Daily Show and my vag are in cahoots and decided to take this ultra-hilarious babe, dress him in a suit, and put him on Hulu for me to enjoy every night before bed, shame-free. Do you ever see people on TV and convince yrself that you’re definitely gonna run into them on the street so you prepare a monologue? Do you think he would be enamored with my unprotected choke-sex talk (while wearing a wedding dress) or creeped out?

Reality Bones

Ok. I feel like I always gotta start these off with some sort of disclaimer. Like Yo, I’m not really into dudes like this, and given the opportunity I probably wouldn’t go home with him, and frankly I couldn’t even imagine a scenario in which we’d be in the same room or whatever. But honestly, I don’t even care anymore. I have such a fucking crush on Big Rig aka Jeremiah Riggs from ‘Daisy of Love’ I don’t even know what to do with myself. He’s like the exact opposite of every dude I’ve ever boned in my entire life. He’s got muscles on purpose, a southern accent that doesn’t annoy me, he doesn’t wanna talk about the new Grizzly Bear album and has definitely never been to Union Pool. He does have pretty awful tattoos though, which I’m used to. They look like he’s lost a lot of bets in life. I’m so fucking into it.
I want him to 'win' the show, since I’m on his side 4 lyfe. Then again, I also want him to lose because I wouldn’t wish a contractual relationship with Daisy de la Herpe on even my worst enemy. Buy me a 12 pack of Busch and put me in a sleeper hold til I can wriggle outta these skinny jeans you fucking beast.

Barbonerz

Aight.
I have a feeling that this boner stems from the most glorious equation in man-made boozy existence:
inebriated me + bearded babes + said babes serving me delicious alcohol + dimmed lighting x desperation squared = yours truly, balancing precariously on a bar stool, screaming 'ANAL' everytime he walks by, chewing on a straw, doing my best daisy of love impersonation, and basically failing at life and making my mom burst into psychic tears 2000 miles away all over some bro whos only being nice to me cuz I'M GIVING HIM MONEY!

FYI: Bragging about yr graduate degree does not a successful bartender pick-up make.

Boner Potluck: Hers

Tyrese -
I had to look this dude up on Wikipedia, cuz i think i got him confused with someone else (racist). I had this whole Ugly Betty joke lined up and everything but whatevs. "Tyrese Darnell Gibson, also known simply as Tyrese, is an American R&B singer, songwriter, rapper, actor, former fashion model and MTV VJ." Wow, long resume baby. He's also apprently a stone cold fox. A little too much so. Seriously, look at those fucking cheekbones!! I have trouble boning dudes this pretty because a) I usually have to get them fairly drunk first which is just expensive and b) I like my dudes to look like dudes, not ladies, and definitely not hybrid 21st century man-ladies with fancy eyebrows and manery (man-jewelry, thanks Patti).
Ok, so lets say I do get down with Tyrese. He's prolly smooth as FUCK, since hes an R&B singer. He's prolly also a freak, since he's an R&B singer AND was in Fast and the Furious 2. All in all, I can only imagine it involving candles, slow jams, some car engine dirty talk and a lot of mirror staring on his part since he is a former model. He'd prolly rather look at himself than me. This has deteriorated into some serious self-hate and this is why I dont fuck pretty dudes!!! Slow sobs.

Anderson Cooper-

I've had a thing for all things gay since about middle school. If I can surround myself with well-dressed, intelligent, hygenic, beautiful men who think I'm pretty AND funny, then WHY THE FUCK NOT?!?! But then at the end of the day, when all the margaritas are gone, I'm still gonna end up home alone. Watching Crazy/Beautiful with a tall boy (of Coors) and a pint of rocky road, no matter how many times I try to explain how an ass is an ass, regardless of whats in front of it. (Seriously, ask my roommate, he locks his door at night.) If for some reason this sexy, sassy, silver fox who once called Ali Lohan an old hooker on National TV decided that he'd give the ol' lady bits a try I would be center fucking stage. Even tho he kinda strikes me as a selfish lover.

David Cross -
Put some glasses on my ex-boyfriends and you got yrself about a million latino David Crosses (Cross's? Crossi?). Hes like the perfect dude. Hilarious, gots a beard, is bald so you know he'll never leave you, and .has a nice lil' beer-belly that you can nuzzle on while you two doze to Transformers. I saw him in real life once and he wasnt even dressed that bad like most famous dudes are, a la Mickey Rourke. Hes even dating a normal looking girl, Amber Tamblyn from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (the best movie ever) so you know hes not a fat douche who only wants to bone coked out former teen models since he never got laid when he was a poor stand-up commedian. Not a joke, someone get me his number, I know you have it.

Luke Perry -
In 1991 my mom drove me, my sister, and my sister's friend Tia to the mall across the street for a Luke Perry meet and greet. The second he came out hundreds of girls rushed the stage. There was basically a riot and many screaming teenage ladies were hospitalized with broken bones. This would be way better if I was one of those girls, but I wasn't. I was too young to even imagine what I wanted that sexy 30 yr old high school student to do to me. Close mouth kiss on my bed? Nonetheless I had a Luke Perry t-shirt, poster, lunch box, GIGANTIC button, etc. He was my first real tv crush and perpetual imaginary boyfriend. All that flannel, puffy hair, and teenage angst. SIGH. Buffy the Vampire Slayer the moive is also kind of the best thing ever, and he seriously rocked my baby house world in that shit. But nowadays, he aint lookin so hot... Kinda like someones creepy meth-addicted step-dad. He knows he used to be cool, so he'll scam on young girls anyway. And maybe some of them, the sad ones with low self-esteem, they'll go for it, but the rest of us? Ick, he prolly smells like spray tan and Astroglide.

Boner Potluck: His

Michelle and I gave each other secret wank homework, just to keep our privates on our toes. The only stipulation was that the selections had to be as random as possible, here's what she came up with for me;




Jodie Sweetin

To quote Dawn Penn, "No no noooooooo...."
Something about her gives off a real heavy "little sister" vibe. Maybe it's her baby face she transplanted into a grown woman's body. The whole Full House thing ain't helping either, sorry, "how ruuuuude" of me right? Doesn't matter though, word on the street is she died of Toxic Shock Syndrome a few years ago- and the girl from Family Matters did porn, I wouldn't fuck her either.




Rachel Maddow

To quote some shitty movie I once saw (it was Slither) "I hear she packs a box lunch" Hey, that's cool, I'll still have a go at it, although she might not appreciate my non-vagina. I guess there's only one way to find out, right Madd Dawg? (my imaginary pet name for her) I'd totally make her wear those hipstery nerd glassed she wears sometimes while I'm boning her and she's dry heaving. She's gotta do something about that Kevin Arnold hairdo though, she must know at least one gay dude.




Tina Fey

Holy shit! I don't even have to think about her feet on my shoulders to get a boner for this gal. I just imagine all the laughs we'd have together with a bottle of booze and two Snuggies (no clothes underneath) followed by intercourse and some night cheese. Did anyone see that episode? pure genius.




Brittanya (Rock Of Love Bus)

Ever have one of those days where you feel like spending an entire day doing something really self-indulgent and stupid? Like eating nothing but ribs and French toast with Dr. Pepper for all 3 meals. It's nothing but good times at first, but afterwards you'd feel like the little piggy loser that you are. At least no one would ever find out because there's no way in hell you'd tell anyone. That's exactly what this girl is, a "Guilty Pleasure Fuck"
All those piercings and tattoos, those implants, the ugly outfits coupled with the uglier acessories- she's basically a Carl's Jr. burger.
For this one I'm gonna say yes, with a very big IF.
IF I haven't gotten any ass in months.
IF I was wasted and my friends weren't around.
IF she approached me and I was bored.
IF I needed a pick-me-up after a shitty day by wowing a dumb 22 year-old with some shit I heard on NPR then taking her home and getting away with having the most selfish sex ever because the dudes she dates are asshole babies that hate women so she wouldn't know the difference anyway.

"I LOVE Kung-Fu"

Dear dudes,

Really? Daisy? the one on TV with the asshole lips? And that little asian fake lesbo with the flat face? that's the type of girl you're looking for? You're willing to sit through a conversation about astrology just so you can get your mouth around those stress balls she calls tits? The sex might be worth it, but just remember buddy, it's you she's gonna come to when she wants to vent about the "bitch" she works with at the MAC counter that's "jealous" of her (not true) I honestly don't believe you want that, not possible. I gag at just the mere thought of what one of those would smell like (cigarettes, foundation, CVS brand vanilla-scented lotion) shudddddderrr!!!
Come on guy, it's time to put away childish things. Give one of these a try;
How about a girl that won't ruin your pillowcases?, someone that can give a deadleg just as well as she can take one. A girl that'll beat you at Street Fighter and make it all better afterwards by taking you out for a burrito and a fuck (you baby)
So many good times, wait until she meets your pussy guy friends for the first time. How jealous and/or in love will they be after she calls them pussies to their faces?

ps: please tell me you know where i can find one of these girls.

Sneaky Boners

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Freudian Boners

I don’t know what I’ve been eating before bed lately but apparently my subconscious has some boner jams of its own. The most recent was a serious house-party sex session with Ice Cube that had me literally waking up panting. He made me feel like coveted gold bars of Kuwaiti currency. Minus the underlying themes of secular genocide, obvs.






The second one involved Rick Ross, doggy style (he's got a belly), and the Bedford Ave L train platform. I know right, WHAT THE FUCK? He got bigger titties than me. That one left me confused, but nonetheless a little curious. (Apparently, I'm on the right track.) He also raps about not wearing socks (soulmates), totally tried to deny being a corrections officer (hah), and uses one of the most delightful phrases ever, MIA-yo. Maybe i should just stop watching youtube in bed?

"Are You Sure This Is Diet Coke?"

What is it about cute, normal girls? They've been doing it for me lately.
(not to be confused with girls who live in tracksuits that hate reading and love shots) Dudes, I've got a serious case of 'Vanilla Fever' and the only cure is a chick who shops at Banana Republic.
It's like they're so innocuous and reserved that you can't help but to notice them. Imagine taking one to your friends party and trying to coax her into playing Flipcup;
"I don't know...maybe, I've never played before. What if I'm not any good at it?"
How cute is that? she actually thinks the object of the game is to win! aaawwwww...
And how hot would it be to discover something atypical and totally weird about her? Like, she’s into competitive eating or she likes getting her face slapped during sex.
So here’s to all of you normies.
Here's to you never having had a phase (punk, raver, lesbian, straightedge, ect.)
Here's to you DVRing How I Met your Mother.
Here's to you never having done drugs and only smoking pot once.
Here's to your embarrassing, yet endearing taste in music (Pulp Fiction soundtrack, The Shins)
Here's to you being too shy to buy a vibrator.
Here’s to you being unable to name a single Misfits song.

Why don't you skip SNL this weekend? meet me at PF Chang's

Fresh Boners

I don’t know if I’m just living as a perpetual teenager but if I'm walking down the street and hear a skateboard I immediately start fixing my lip gloss and side pony. Here’s the thing about 19 yr olds on skateboards: they’re young, dumb, got zero body fat, and think yr an amazing beautiful sex goddess cuz you’ll buy them Captain Morgan and dry hump in a hot tub. Then you can wax poetic about how you totes already saw that band in like high school and you prefer their older stuff. Seriously nubile young babes, yr wish is my command.

Dance Magic! Hump Magic!

Unless I'm forgetting someone else, Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth was my very first celebrity crush. Her unmitigated disgust for whiny, blubbering infants stole my heart (sigh!!!!)
Much like Winona Ryder in Lucas, I was too young to actually fantasize about putting it in her. Instead I imagined how awesome it would be if she were my cool babysitter that would play Nintendo with me and let me feel her boobs. I vaguely remember a sleepover scenario where I'd take off her shirt and bra under the covers and go to town until my tiny wrists got sore from all that "turning the doorknob" action.
Through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered, my testicles have finally descended. Jenny, Tonight Hoggle and I invade your Goblin Kingdom, tits are so 1986.
(Hoggle = my penis)

This Boner Will Go On

When I was a teenage mallrat I liked to pretend like I wasn’t obsessed with Leo. WHAT A LIE. Even in The Beach, when he wore nothing but mandals and cargo shorts, I wanted him to slay my vag like it was a baby shark in a crystal blue lagoon threatening a faux idealistic utopia. He even came to my college in 2004 and told us all to vote for John boner-killer Kerry. Epic Prius post-orgasm sighs.

Leukoplakia

Lucas is the shit, I could go on about this movie but what I really want to focus on is Winona Ryder circa: 1986, oh man...

Long before that website with pictures of puppies kissing gerbils this girl was the original cute overload, Just look at her. Dude, what if you were back in the 10th grade and she was your girlfriend? You guys would get high, watch Natural Born Killers and make out in her living room while her parents were away at work. She would write you letters in class with Morrissey lyrics and random shit like "My hoodie smells like sawdust today, I want Funyuns and Nutty Bars for lunch" Watching this movie and knowing what I know now is so infuriating. It makes want to jump inside the TV, grab that kid by the ear and give him a stern talking to.

"What the fuck are you doing? Rina likes you! Come on! look how much of a fuck she doesn't give! Imagine her diving into a beeramyd a few years from now when you guys start drinking and going to parties. She'll be making you and your 3 only friends laugh your asses off every day. You'll BEG her to never leave you!"

I'm not sure if this counts as a fantasy file since I don't actually think about having sex with her. How can you? she's too fucking cute, you'd feel like a creep. Pretending you're 15 and content with 2nd base/scared of vaginas is way better.

note: If you absolutely must wank to her I highly suggest 'Bram Stoker's Dracula'