Tyrese -
I had to look this dude up on Wikipedia, cuz i think i got him confused with someone else (racist). I had this whole Ugly Betty joke lined up and everything but whatevs. "Tyrese Darnell Gibson, also known simply as Tyrese, is an American R&B singer, songwriter, rapper, actor, former fashion model and MTV VJ." Wow, long resume baby. He's also apprently a stone cold fox. A little too much so. Seriously, look at those fucking cheekbones!! I have trouble boning dudes this pretty because a) I usually have to get them fairly drunk first which is just expensive and b) I like my dudes to look like dudes, not ladies, and definitely not hybrid 21st century man-ladies with fancy eyebrows and manery (man-jewelry, thanks Patti).
Ok, so lets say I do get down with Tyrese. He's prolly smooth as FUCK, since hes an R&B singer. He's prolly also a freak, since he's an R&B singer AND was in Fast and the Furious 2. All in all, I can only imagine it involving candles, slow jams, some car engine dirty talk and a lot of mirror staring on his part since he is a former model. He'd prolly rather look at himself than me. This has deteriorated into some serious self-hate and this is why I dont fuck pretty dudes!!! Slow sobs.
I had to look this dude up on Wikipedia, cuz i think i got him confused with someone else (racist). I had this whole Ugly Betty joke lined up and everything but whatevs. "Tyrese Darnell Gibson, also known simply as Tyrese, is an American R&B singer, songwriter, rapper, actor, former fashion model and MTV VJ." Wow, long resume baby. He's also apprently a stone cold fox. A little too much so. Seriously, look at those fucking cheekbones!! I have trouble boning dudes this pretty because a) I usually have to get them fairly drunk first which is just expensive and b) I like my dudes to look like dudes, not ladies, and definitely not hybrid 21st century man-ladies with fancy eyebrows and manery (man-jewelry, thanks Patti).
Ok, so lets say I do get down with Tyrese. He's prolly smooth as FUCK, since hes an R&B singer. He's prolly also a freak, since he's an R&B singer AND was in Fast and the Furious 2. All in all, I can only imagine it involving candles, slow jams, some car engine dirty talk and a lot of mirror staring on his part since he is a former model. He'd prolly rather look at himself than me. This has deteriorated into some serious self-hate and this is why I dont fuck pretty dudes!!! Slow sobs.
Anderson Cooper-
I've had a thing for all things gay since about middle school. If I can surround myself with well-dressed, intelligent, hygenic, beautiful men who think I'm pretty AND funny, then WHY THE FUCK NOT?!?! But then at the end of the day, when all the margaritas are gone, I'm still gonna end up home alone. Watching Crazy/Beautiful with a tall boy (of Coors) and a pint of rocky road, no matter how many times I try to explain how an ass is an ass, regardless of whats in front of it. (Seriously, ask my roommate, he locks his door at night.) If for some reason this sexy, sassy, silver fox who once called Ali Lohan an old hooker on National TV decided that he'd give the ol' lady bits a try I would be center fucking stage. Even tho he kinda strikes me as a selfish lover.
David Cross -
Put some glasses on my ex-boyfriends and you got yrself about a million latino David Crosses (Cross's? Crossi?). Hes like the perfect dude. Hilarious, gots a beard, is bald so you know he'll never leave you, and .has a nice lil' beer-belly that you can nuzzle on while you two doze to Transformers. I saw him in real life once and he wasnt even dressed that bad like most famous dudes are, a la Mickey Rourke. Hes even dating a normal looking girl, Amber Tamblyn from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (the best movie ever) so you know hes not a fat douche who only wants to bone coked out former teen models since he never got laid when he was a poor stand-up commedian. Not a joke, someone get me his number, I know you have it.
Put some glasses on my ex-boyfriends and you got yrself about a million latino David Crosses (Cross's? Crossi?). Hes like the perfect dude. Hilarious, gots a beard, is bald so you know he'll never leave you, and .has a nice lil' beer-belly that you can nuzzle on while you two doze to Transformers. I saw him in real life once and he wasnt even dressed that bad like most famous dudes are, a la Mickey Rourke. Hes even dating a normal looking girl, Amber Tamblyn from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (the best movie ever) so you know hes not a fat douche who only wants to bone coked out former teen models since he never got laid when he was a poor stand-up commedian. Not a joke, someone get me his number, I know you have it.
Luke Perry -
In 1991 my mom drove me, my sister, and my sister's friend Tia to the mall across the street for a Luke Perry meet and greet. The second he came out hundreds of girls rushed the stage. There was basically a riot and many screaming teenage ladies were hospitalized with broken bones. This would be way better if I was one of those girls, but I wasn't. I was too young to even imagine what I wanted that sexy 30 yr old high school student to do to me. Close mouth kiss on my bed? Nonetheless I had a Luke Perry t-shirt, poster, lunch box, GIGANTIC button, etc. He was my first real tv crush and perpetual imaginary boyfriend. All that flannel, puffy hair, and teenage angst. SIGH. Buffy the Vampire Slayer the moive is also kind of the best thing ever, and he seriously rocked my baby house world in that shit. But nowadays, he aint lookin so hot... Kinda like someones creepy meth-addicted step-dad. He knows he used to be cool, so he'll scam on young girls anyway. And maybe some of them, the sad ones with low self-esteem, they'll go for it, but the rest of us? Ick, he prolly smells like spray tan and Astroglide.
In 1991 my mom drove me, my sister, and my sister's friend Tia to the mall across the street for a Luke Perry meet and greet. The second he came out hundreds of girls rushed the stage. There was basically a riot and many screaming teenage ladies were hospitalized with broken bones. This would be way better if I was one of those girls, but I wasn't. I was too young to even imagine what I wanted that sexy 30 yr old high school student to do to me. Close mouth kiss on my bed? Nonetheless I had a Luke Perry t-shirt, poster, lunch box, GIGANTIC button, etc. He was my first real tv crush and perpetual imaginary boyfriend. All that flannel, puffy hair, and teenage angst. SIGH. Buffy the Vampire Slayer the moive is also kind of the best thing ever, and he seriously rocked my baby house world in that shit. But nowadays, he aint lookin so hot... Kinda like someones creepy meth-addicted step-dad. He knows he used to be cool, so he'll scam on young girls anyway. And maybe some of them, the sad ones with low self-esteem, they'll go for it, but the rest of us? Ick, he prolly smells like spray tan and Astroglide.
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