Stairmasturbator

"Exercise can keep your heart healthy, your body slim and your psyche sound, and now comes the news that it can act as an aphrodisiac too.
Although you may not feel so sexy after a sweaty workout, don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling in the mood for love. Research now suggests that along with all of the other health benefits exercise confers, it can also give a big boost to your sex life. The reason has less to do with getting stronger than with the release of endorphins in the brain (as a result of physical exertion) that influence how we feel..."
-The Internets

Yeah, tell me about it guy. I go to the gym about 4 times a week (still chubby though) which also means that 4 days out of the week if you happen to see me coming AND you happen to have a vagina, ohhhhhh maaan....keep that shit out of sight! I'm talking hide your chain that your grandmama gave you when you hear the squeaky beach cruiser getting closer. For real, It's like I was out at sea and was immediately taken to prison as soon as I got home where I was only allowed to watch Cinemax after 10pm on TV.
Oh, by the way, shoutout to 90% of the ladies at the Mission Valley YMCA for not helping at all with the situation. Giving me erections while on the eliptical watching Law & Order: SVU is totes not embarrassing and creepy at all, good lookin' out! XXXTRA special thanks to the same 90% of you gals for feeling compelled to wear those tight-ass black spandex Capri pants every time you work out (are you guys in a gang?) Tell me, does forcing me to think about bending you over an exercise ball somehow help you burn more calories? does it improve your form? Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
It's bad enough you already look like I just fucked you with your sweaty backs and your face all flushed. Take it easy on me, no? I just wanna work on my summer bod and listen to The Smiths on my iPod (it makes me feel less bro-y)
Shit's too much, someone needs to open a dudes only gym. Kinda like Curves, except it would be called "I Can Smell Your Dick Sweat"