Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Boner Potluck: Hers



Tyrese -
I had to look this dude up on Wikipedia, cuz i think i got him confused with someone else (racist). I had this whole Ugly Betty joke lined up and everything but whatevs. "Tyrese Darnell Gibson, also known simply as Tyrese, is an American R&B singer, songwriter, rapper, actor, former fashion model and MTV VJ." Wow, long resume baby. He's also apprently a stone cold fox. A little too much so. Seriously, look at those fucking cheekbones!! I have trouble boning dudes this pretty because a) I usually have to get them fairly drunk first which is just expensive and b) I like my dudes to look like dudes, not ladies, and definitely not hybrid 21st century man-ladies with fancy eyebrows and manery (man-jewelry, thanks Patti).
Ok, so lets say I do get down with Tyrese. He's prolly smooth as FUCK, since hes an R&B singer. He's prolly also a freak, since he's an R&B singer AND was in Fast and the Furious 2. All in all, I can only imagine it involving candles, slow jams, some car engine dirty talk and a lot of mirror staring on his part since he is a former model. He'd prolly rather look at himself than me. This has deteriorated into some serious self-hate and this is why I dont fuck pretty dudes!!! Slow sobs.




Anderson Cooper-
I've had a thing for all things gay since about middle school. If I can surround myself with well-dressed, intelligent, hygenic, beautiful men who think I'm pretty AND funny, then WHY THE FUCK NOT?!?! But then at the end of the day, when all the margaritas are gone, I'm still gonna end up home alone. Watching Crazy/Beautiful with a tall boy (of Coors) and a pint of rocky road, no matter how many times I try to explain how an ass is an ass, regardless of whats in front of it. (Seriously, ask my roommate, he locks his door at night.) If for some reason this sexy, sassy, silver fox who once called Ali Lohan an old hooker on National TV decided that he'd give the ol' lady bits a try I would be center fucking stage. Even tho he kinda strikes me as a selfish lover.




David Cross -
Put some glasses on my ex-boyfriends and you got yrself about a million latino David Crosses (Cross's? Crossi?). Hes like the perfect dude. Hilarious, gots a beard, is bald so you know he'll never leave you, and .has a nice lil' beer-belly that you can nuzzle on while you two doze to Transformers. I saw him in real life once and he wasnt even dressed that bad like most famous dudes are, a la Mickey Rourke. Hes even dating a normal looking girl, Amber Tamblyn from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (the best movie ever) so you know hes not a fat douche who only wants to bone coked out former teen models since he never got laid when he was a poor stand-up commedian. Not a joke, someone get me his number, I know you have it.

Luke Perry -
In 1991 my mom drove me, my sister, and my sister's friend Tia to the mall across the street for a Luke Perry meet and greet. The second he came out hundreds of girls rushed the stage. There was basically a riot and many screaming teenage ladies were hospitalized with broken bones. This would be way better if I was one of those girls, but I wasn't. I was too young to even imagine what I wanted that sexy 30 yr old high school student to do to me. Close mouth kiss on my bed? Nonetheless I had a Luke Perry t-shirt, poster, lunch box, GIGANTIC button, etc. He was my first real tv crush and perpetual imaginary boyfriend. All that flannel, puffy hair, and teenage angst. SIGH. Buffy the Vampire Slayer the moive is also kind of the best thing ever, and he seriously rocked my baby house world in that shit. But nowadays, he aint lookin so hot... Kinda like someones creepy meth-addicted step-dad. He knows he used to be cool, so he'll scam on young girls anyway. And maybe some of them, the sad ones with low self-esteem, they'll go for it, but the rest of us? Ick, he prolly smells like spray tan and Astroglide.

Boner Potluck: His

Michelle and I gave each other secret wank homework, just to keep our privates on our toes. The only stipulation was that the selections had to be as random as possible, here's what she came up with for me;




Jodie Sweetin

To quote Dawn Penn, "No no noooooooo...."
Something about her gives off a real heavy "little sister" vibe. Maybe it's her baby face she transplanted into a grown woman's body. The whole Full House thing ain't helping either, sorry, "how ruuuuude" of me right? Doesn't matter though, word on the street is she died of Toxic Shock Syndrome a few years ago- and the girl from Family Matters did porn, I wouldn't fuck her either.




Rachel Maddow

To quote some shitty movie I once saw (it was Slither) "I hear she packs a box lunch" Hey, that's cool, I'll still have a go at it, although she might not appreciate my non-vagina. I guess there's only one way to find out, right Madd Dawg? (my imaginary pet name for her) I'd totally make her wear those hipstery nerd glassed she wears sometimes while I'm boning her and she's dry heaving. She's gotta do something about that Kevin Arnold hairdo though, she must know at least one gay dude.




Tina Fey

Holy shit! I don't even have to think about her feet on my shoulders to get a boner for this gal. I just imagine all the laughs we'd have together with a bottle of booze and two Snuggies (no clothes underneath) followed by intercourse and some night cheese. Did anyone see that episode? pure genius.




Brittanya (Rock Of Love Bus)

Ever have one of those days where you feel like spending an entire day doing something really self-indulgent and stupid? Like eating nothing but ribs and French toast with Dr. Pepper for all 3 meals. It's nothing but good times at first, but afterwards you'd feel like the little piggy loser that you are. At least no one would ever find out because there's no way in hell you'd tell anyone. That's exactly what this girl is, a "Guilty Pleasure Fuck"
All those piercings and tattoos, those implants, the ugly outfits coupled with the uglier acessories- she's basically a Carl's Jr. burger.
For this one I'm gonna say yes, with a very big IF.
IF I haven't gotten any ass in months.
IF I was wasted and my friends weren't around.
IF she approached me and I was bored.
IF I needed a pick-me-up after a shitty day by wowing a dumb 22 year-old with some shit I heard on NPR then taking her home and getting away with having the most selfish sex ever because the dudes she dates are asshole babies that hate women so she wouldn't know the difference anyway.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

"I LOVE Kung-Fu"



Dear dudes,

Really? Daisy? the one on TV with the asshole lips? And that little asian fake lesbo with the flat face? that's the type of girl you're looking for? You're willing to sit through a conversation about astrology just so you can get your mouth around those stress balls she calls tits? The sex might be worth it, but just remember buddy, it's you she's gonna come to when she wants to vent about the "bitch" she works with at the MAC counter that's "jealous" of her (not true) I honestly don't believe you want that, not possible. I gag at just the mere thought of what one of those would smell like (cigarettes, foundation, CVS brand vanilla-scented lotion) shudddddderrr!!!
Come on guy, it's time to put away childish things. Give one of these a try;
How about a girl that won't ruin your pillowcases?, someone that can give a deadleg just as well as she can take one. A girl that'll beat you at Street Fighter and make it all better afterwards by taking you out for a burrito and a fuck (you baby)
So many good times, wait until she meets your pussy guy friends for the first time. How jealous and/or in love will they be after she calls them pussies to their faces?

ps: please tell me you know where i can find one of these girls.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Sneaky Boners

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