Bone Haiku

Salma Hayek


The perfect woman
No time for losers like me
God laughs from his cloud






Russian Red


Lovely girl from Spain
I'll never buy your album
Can I still hit that?






Zooey Deschanel


Sigh…guilty pleasures
Why must your bangs drive me wild?
Your husband is gay

Unrealized Blushing Boners

I had NO idea I thought this dude was even remotely good looking. Anyone on MTV’s payroll, who wants to be taken seriously as a journalist, and wears those glasses is usually on the express to the dead last slot on my boner schedule. I think about you less than I think about cargo-short outfitted college seniors pursuing a career in marketing.

But here I was, kinda drunk in the LES with some lady friends wondering why this fine ass man kept making eye contact with me (he must’ve thought I was a fan of his journalistic work on sexual health among teens). He was a BABE, I was drunk, it’s the lower east side, what of it?! Maybe I was so into him cuz he wasn’t trying to make me care about Kosovo or whatever. So he goes to leave the bar and me being the creepy sexual assault type, decide to bump into him (read: tackle) and in my best drunk girl voice mutter “ey where you going…” Best pick up line evaaarrr.
One thing leads to another and I realize that I’m basically pinning Gideon Yago to a pool table in front of about 75 people. In my defense he had a beard and was heavier than the last time I saw him using serious face whilst discussing Iraq with Condoleezza Rice. Needless to say he barely escaped with his pants. It was all downhill once my eyes focused and I realized who he was (I am leaving out countless embarrassing details, seriously I had NO IDEA it was him). Sometimes our boners deceive us, think before you act.

Embarrassing Wide-ons

Seriously. This is mega humiliating.



I have NO IDEA what started this. I should probably blame The Fast and the Furious franchise, Sparks, and my period. Making me confuse things like sexuality, cars, muscles, and Vin Diesel with respect, sexy, ok, boners, feelings, and understanding. UGH. You know when you catch yrself checking out an ugly co-worker and you realize its cuz you haven’t had sex in like FOREVER and you kinda forgot what the opposite gender looks like naked? That’s how I feel when I look at this dude (born Mark Sinclair Vincent, the fuck he change his name for?!). :boner embarrassment shudders: He also kinda looks like a cartoon shark when he smiles.


thanks vic

It’s some gender stereotype bullshit, I know, for me to wanna grip his back muscles this bad, but its all I can think about! You know what, I’m just gonna give in. Excuse me while I go troll the New York Sports Club smoothie bar for potential date rapes.



*After reading Vin's (I call him Vin now) wikipedia I kinda fell a little more in love with him. UGH what is going on? Make it stop!

Embarrassing Boners: His

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
-Mother Theresa


Ugh! We’re probably gonna regret this later, but fuck it. We’ll martyr ourselves for the sake of good times. Think of us as suicide bombers, except our vests are filled with giggles and we're on a mission to blow up a shopping mall full of frowns.






Tabitha Soren

Other than the ‘Normal girl’ steez she’s got going on that I love-your guess is as good as mine dude. I blame it on 90’s, I got Mulder telling me every Friday that aliens are gonna kidnap me and the government’s all, “meh” about it- for real?! Fuckin’ Capcom has me convinced that traveling the globe to pick fights with people is a total blast. I didn’t know which way was up, my friends. Me? horny for a Daywalker? Must’ve been all that Crystal Pepsi I never drank.

Embarrassing factor: 9






Chrissy Russo (Fox 5 news San Diego)

One morning while getting ready for work I turned my TV on because I wanted to check the weather. I flipped around looking for the news and… well, the rest is “Jerk before work” history. You can’t blame me for this one either, I’m sure they let her wear short skirts and low-cut dresses cuz she’s younger/slightly more attractive than the other newscasters- Don’t believe me? LOOK!
Susan Lennon? Ummm… naw, I’m cool, thanks. Just tell me how to avoid Myspace molesters and that'll be that.

Embarrassing factor: 6

Can I Get A 'Whoooooaaah Boner?!'

Dudes, remember being 13 and a virgin? Remember thinking how Kelly Bundy would be the perfect girl because you’re fucking stupid and horny?
“Awww dude, what if she was my girlfriend? That would be raaaaaad! She dresses hot, she knows how to fight! And I could totally trick her into doing it with me because she’s dumb as shit and she’s slutty!”
First of all, younger me, why would you need to trick her into fucking you if she’s already your girlfriend and a slut? Furthermore, do you really want to date a girl that can be fooled that easily? So your equally horny friends could come over and be all “Theeees eeees how we say ‘hayllo’ eeen my kontree” (titty grab, blowjob)
Ugh! Ramon 17 years ago, you’re such a disease!
Needless to say my taste in women has matured, somewhat. I still get major boner fuel from knowing that a girl can fight, not unlike badass Ms. Bundy here. Am I the only one that gets heated from seeing a girl being able to throw a good punch? I don’t even know how to throw a good punch.
So anyway, who remembers that song by the Young Black Teenagers about fucking Kelly Bundy? Who remembers that the Young Black Teenagers were all white?

*note: I recently tried to jerk it to her after a Married With Children marathon on TV for old times sake. Now all I could think was “Did they make all of those dresses for her or did they buy them? If so, from where?” Older and wiser???