Biker Bones

Do you ever see a totally rad older dude on the street and think “Dayum, THAT is what my husband/slampiece is gonna look like when I’m an old lady, CHRIST!!!!” For me, these dudes are usually of the old biker variety. Bushy grey beards, leather vests, blurry tattoos and shit-eating grins like, ‘Yo girl I may be old but I could still totally bone the shit outta you.” Keep on keepin’ on, old man cuz yr fucking right.
Biker babes, here’s to you!
Fuck that fixed gear nonsense. Get me off this slow-ped. I wanna man with a loud, serious gas-guzzling piece of shit between his legs. With gnarly beards that always smell like weed n’ meth, and oil stained finger nails on big meaty tattooed hands, ladies amirite? They prolly eat pussy like a motorcycle engine, thigh-brating all the way. WOOF in a good way. These dudes turn me into a cartoon dog with my eyes popping out and tongue rolling on the floor... Hummina, hummina, hummina! Is titty flashing still the universal biker mating call cuz my shirt is already off.



these girls fucking rule

Bone Sliders

Burger King did it, McDonald’s did it, now I’m doing it. I’m getting in on this mini craze that corporations tell me is the new hot shit. Big is out! Here's a few tiny little guys you can easily savor and digest, one tasty morsel at a time. Here, fatso;





Giada de Laurentiis

I think this risotto needs to be sexualized for about 10 more minutes, and maybe add another 2 cups of cleavage (get it? durrrrrr)
Oh, you sexy little bobblehead you. Not that I don't appreciate you going "Mmmm......soooo good" as you slowly roll your eyes back then knead something in a tube top, but I seriously doubt you're gonna get canned, so chill. Does Food Network even cancel shows?





Cat Power (Chan Marshall)

More like Cat Plow-her! (get it? durrrrrr)
Hot with a hint of crazy? How can you resist? You might not enjoy getting bitched out by her drunk ass at a party because you asked a girl where the cups are (Whoooo is sheee? why don't you just go fuck her?! You probably already did, didn't you!?) but the guilt-soaked makeup sex later that night would totally be worth the awkward glances.
PS: Yes, I know she stopped drinking, but picturing her with a bottle in her hand, a cigarette in her mouth and sleepy eyes makes her seem hotter for some reason.





Sean Young In Bladerunner

Attention, 3 girls that read this (except Rebecca)
I will seriously marry you if you dress up as Rachael for me and let me "retire" that ass on the regular. Not only that, I also promise to feign interest in your ridiculous girl problems, check it;
"Marc Jacobs died? Ohhh sweetie, I'm so sorry, come here"
"Your feet are all fucked up? There, there. But you're always wearing those millimeter-thick flats, I don't understand" (pretty good, right?)
If you manage to get her hair just right, I’ll also pretend to give a shit about whatever it is you care about, no matter how asinine;
“Yeah, how did he manage to win Project Runway?! I’ve never met this guy, but you’re absolutely right, he is a stupid homo douche backstabber- and he definitely does deserve to die! Can you put the costume on now?"

Stairmasturbator

"Exercise can keep your heart healthy, your body slim and your psyche sound, and now comes the news that it can act as an aphrodisiac too.
Although you may not feel so sexy after a sweaty workout, don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling in the mood for love. Research now suggests that along with all of the other health benefits exercise confers, it can also give a big boost to your sex life. The reason has less to do with getting stronger than with the release of endorphins in the brain (as a result of physical exertion) that influence how we feel..."
-The Internets

Yeah, tell me about it guy. I go to the gym about 4 times a week (still chubby though) which also means that 4 days out of the week if you happen to see me coming AND you happen to have a vagina, ohhhhhh maaan....keep that shit out of sight! I'm talking hide your chain that your grandmama gave you when you hear the squeaky beach cruiser getting closer. For real, It's like I was out at sea and was immediately taken to prison as soon as I got home where I was only allowed to watch Cinemax after 10pm on TV.
Oh, by the way, shoutout to 90% of the ladies at the Mission Valley YMCA for not helping at all with the situation. Giving me erections while on the eliptical watching Law & Order: SVU is totes not embarrassing and creepy at all, good lookin' out! XXXTRA special thanks to the same 90% of you gals for feeling compelled to wear those tight-ass black spandex Capri pants every time you work out (are you guys in a gang?) Tell me, does forcing me to think about bending you over an exercise ball somehow help you burn more calories? does it improve your form? Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?
It's bad enough you already look like I just fucked you with your sweaty backs and your face all flushed. Take it easy on me, no? I just wanna work on my summer bod and listen to The Smiths on my iPod (it makes me feel less bro-y)
Shit's too much, someone needs to open a dudes only gym. Kinda like Curves, except it would be called "I Can Smell Your Dick Sweat"

Daily Boners

I think it’s pretty obvious that I wanna dry-hump Jon Stewart within an inch of his life. I mean what self-respecting girl doesn’t? But can we take the time to address the fucking BABE situation in the Daily Show’s past and present correspondent pool?

First things first.

Ed Helms:

Maybe it’s because he’s been all over my brain lately with trailers for the Hangover (and me watching the Office alone in my room crying every night) but there is SOMETHING about this huge white person that makes me wanna eat a mayonnaise sandwich, wash it down with a glass of milk, and go to a 4th of July parade. Now I kinda feel guilty about all the trash I talk about white men…j/k, you guys are still awful.

Jason Jones:

I too fall victim to the 'dudes risking their lives' boner. He went to Iran when there was some SERIOUS boner-killing shit going down. He threw on a flack jacket and grew a beard and spoof-reported his way right into my thundering heart. He’s also from Canada so I don’t have to feel too patriotic about this one. If you’ve looked into this man’s crystal blue eyes and not seen a Lisa Frank-themed wedding then you are obviously dead inside.

Wyatt Cenac:

This one is pretty easy/obvious. It’s like the Daily Show and my vag are in cahoots and decided to take this ultra-hilarious babe, dress him in a suit, and put him on Hulu for me to enjoy every night before bed, shame-free. Do you ever see people on TV and convince yrself that you’re definitely gonna run into them on the street so you prepare a monologue? Do you think he would be enamored with my unprotected choke-sex talk (while wearing a wedding dress) or creeped out?

Reality Bones

Ok. I feel like I always gotta start these off with some sort of disclaimer. Like Yo, I’m not really into dudes like this, and given the opportunity I probably wouldn’t go home with him, and frankly I couldn’t even imagine a scenario in which we’d be in the same room or whatever. But honestly, I don’t even care anymore. I have such a fucking crush on Big Rig aka Jeremiah Riggs from ‘Daisy of Love’ I don’t even know what to do with myself. He’s like the exact opposite of every dude I’ve ever boned in my entire life. He’s got muscles on purpose, a southern accent that doesn’t annoy me, he doesn’t wanna talk about the new Grizzly Bear album and has definitely never been to Union Pool. He does have pretty awful tattoos though, which I’m used to. They look like he’s lost a lot of bets in life. I’m so fucking into it.
I want him to 'win' the show, since I’m on his side 4 lyfe. Then again, I also want him to lose because I wouldn’t wish a contractual relationship with Daisy de la Herpe on even my worst enemy. Buy me a 12 pack of Busch and put me in a sleeper hold til I can wriggle outta these skinny jeans you fucking beast.

Barbonerz

Aight.
I have a feeling that this boner stems from the most glorious equation in man-made boozy existence:
inebriated me + bearded babes + said babes serving me delicious alcohol + dimmed lighting x desperation squared = yours truly, balancing precariously on a bar stool, screaming 'ANAL' everytime he walks by, chewing on a straw, doing my best daisy of love impersonation, and basically failing at life and making my mom burst into psychic tears 2000 miles away all over some bro whos only being nice to me cuz I'M GIVING HIM MONEY!

FYI: Bragging about yr graduate degree does not a successful bartender pick-up make.

Boner Potluck: Hers

Tyrese -
I had to look this dude up on Wikipedia, cuz i think i got him confused with someone else (racist). I had this whole Ugly Betty joke lined up and everything but whatevs. "Tyrese Darnell Gibson, also known simply as Tyrese, is an American R&B singer, songwriter, rapper, actor, former fashion model and MTV VJ." Wow, long resume baby. He's also apprently a stone cold fox. A little too much so. Seriously, look at those fucking cheekbones!! I have trouble boning dudes this pretty because a) I usually have to get them fairly drunk first which is just expensive and b) I like my dudes to look like dudes, not ladies, and definitely not hybrid 21st century man-ladies with fancy eyebrows and manery (man-jewelry, thanks Patti).
Ok, so lets say I do get down with Tyrese. He's prolly smooth as FUCK, since hes an R&B singer. He's prolly also a freak, since he's an R&B singer AND was in Fast and the Furious 2. All in all, I can only imagine it involving candles, slow jams, some car engine dirty talk and a lot of mirror staring on his part since he is a former model. He'd prolly rather look at himself than me. This has deteriorated into some serious self-hate and this is why I dont fuck pretty dudes!!! Slow sobs.

Anderson Cooper-

I've had a thing for all things gay since about middle school. If I can surround myself with well-dressed, intelligent, hygenic, beautiful men who think I'm pretty AND funny, then WHY THE FUCK NOT?!?! But then at the end of the day, when all the margaritas are gone, I'm still gonna end up home alone. Watching Crazy/Beautiful with a tall boy (of Coors) and a pint of rocky road, no matter how many times I try to explain how an ass is an ass, regardless of whats in front of it. (Seriously, ask my roommate, he locks his door at night.) If for some reason this sexy, sassy, silver fox who once called Ali Lohan an old hooker on National TV decided that he'd give the ol' lady bits a try I would be center fucking stage. Even tho he kinda strikes me as a selfish lover.

David Cross -
Put some glasses on my ex-boyfriends and you got yrself about a million latino David Crosses (Cross's? Crossi?). Hes like the perfect dude. Hilarious, gots a beard, is bald so you know he'll never leave you, and .has a nice lil' beer-belly that you can nuzzle on while you two doze to Transformers. I saw him in real life once and he wasnt even dressed that bad like most famous dudes are, a la Mickey Rourke. Hes even dating a normal looking girl, Amber Tamblyn from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (the best movie ever) so you know hes not a fat douche who only wants to bone coked out former teen models since he never got laid when he was a poor stand-up commedian. Not a joke, someone get me his number, I know you have it.

Luke Perry -
In 1991 my mom drove me, my sister, and my sister's friend Tia to the mall across the street for a Luke Perry meet and greet. The second he came out hundreds of girls rushed the stage. There was basically a riot and many screaming teenage ladies were hospitalized with broken bones. This would be way better if I was one of those girls, but I wasn't. I was too young to even imagine what I wanted that sexy 30 yr old high school student to do to me. Close mouth kiss on my bed? Nonetheless I had a Luke Perry t-shirt, poster, lunch box, GIGANTIC button, etc. He was my first real tv crush and perpetual imaginary boyfriend. All that flannel, puffy hair, and teenage angst. SIGH. Buffy the Vampire Slayer the moive is also kind of the best thing ever, and he seriously rocked my baby house world in that shit. But nowadays, he aint lookin so hot... Kinda like someones creepy meth-addicted step-dad. He knows he used to be cool, so he'll scam on young girls anyway. And maybe some of them, the sad ones with low self-esteem, they'll go for it, but the rest of us? Ick, he prolly smells like spray tan and Astroglide.